quick update

Sorry to leave you hanging. All three babies from the previous post are home and doing well. Thank GOD!

Is there such a thing as a HEALTHY baby?

Two weeks ago, my friend at work had a niece who was born with Tetralogy of Fallot and had to have emergency open heart surgery in the middle of the night. You can follow her journey @ mendingmylahsheartstrings.blogspot.com. Then, our roommate, James, his brand new nephew was hospitalized with Meningitis. Now today, friends of ours delivered their baby and the delivery did not go well. This sweet little girl is now in the NICU fighting for her life! I am beginning to think that there is no such thing as a healthy baby and that we have all taken for granted the simple blessings of our children. Please say your prayers for these three babies. While the first two are finally home, the latter is only hours old and needs all the strength, hopes and prayers she can get. Please bless that her caregivers are precise in their actions and intuitive with the plan of care!

My SWEET Bridger, watch over this baby. Momma loves you!

Happy Number 3!

Yesterday was Bridger's third birthday. As we have the past two years, we bought a red velvet cake and ate it with him at the cemetery. It is strange to look around and see those who we used to know and see their lives moving on. They are now married, having children and growing older. Danny and I are growing older, but other than that, I feel as though time has stopped. We will not watch Bridger get older. We will not take pictures on his first day of school or on graduation. I feel frozen, yet life still continues......

Happy Birthday SWEET boy! Mommy loves you!

Almost there.......again

Two weeks from tomorrow we will honor the day that our sweet boy was removed from this painful, miserable world and taken to that better place. A place where he would no longer need high-flow oxygen and continuous IV medication to keep him alive and somewhat "stable". That day also marks the last time I saw Bridger's beautiful blue eyes and listened to his giggle as he struggled to remove his oxygen monitor. As I brushed my teeth that morning of August 8, 2009, I had no clue that twenty minutes later, my son would be gone. Seven hours later, when Danny and my parents arrived to Houston, they were left only to see the cold and lifeless shell of our only son. This day brings such extreme and mixed emotions, I incapable of knowing how to express myself. This September, Bridger would have been 3 years old. 3 YEARS OLD! I want to scream when I think that many more birthdays will pass and we will be unable to celebrate with him. I know that this life is merely a blink for him while we are apart, but our reunion feels so far away. Baby, mommy loves you!

Isn't it strange?

I just never know when something is going to hit me and just how hard it will hit. Tonight, Danny and I were watching some sci-fi movie and one of the alien characters died. As he died, he closed his eyes and the next thing I knew I became obsessed with trying to establish if I saw Bridger close his eyes when he died. I remember him looking at me with panic in his eyes when he couldn't breathe and we were trying to get more oxygen to him, but that is the last time I remember seeing those beautiful blues. I was quickly pushed out of the way so that the doctors and nurses could attempt to save him. There was no final gaze into each others eyes when his expression might have told me that everything would be okay. Only terror as he became surrounded by strangers trying to help.
These emotions don't just arise because it is Memorial weekend. Something similar to this flashback happens almost daily for me. Whether I have a patient that begins to struggle breathing or I see a child that is close to his age, it all takes me back and I scrutinize every moment we had together fearing that I might forget something or that I already have. It has been almost two years, but I still feel this hole in me as though I have just lost him.
Even in our new house, everything I do, I can't help but think "Bridger would have loved sitting on the back porch" or "it would have been nice to sit as a family in our family room". I know that I am only torturing myself with these thoughts, but he is everywhere with me and I want him to know that no matter what we do, he is included.
Baby, I miss you so much. I want to kiss you and tickle you and hold you in my arms while you sleep. Please know that being your mommy was the greatest season of my life! I love you!

A great loss.............

Yesterday, I was informed that Dr. Hawkins, the former head cardio-thoracic surgeon at PCMC, passed away in his home. Bridger and I were in the PCMC PICU in April of 2009 when Dr. Hawkins came to work and announced that he had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was April 1, so everyone thought that he was just playing an April Fools joke. Sadly he was not. He survived two years after diagnosis, which in itself is amazing. While he never performed surgery on Bridger, this man paved the way for our surgeon to be able to give us the 11 months we had with our beautiful boy. My heart goes out to Dr. Hawkins surviving family. He will be greatly missed.

Prayers PLEASE.....

Well, remember our dear "heart baby" friend, Ben? He received a heart back in February of 2009. He and his mother lived at the hospital with Bridger and I for months and in this time we became family. Anyway, the last few months, Ben has been fighting what everyone thought was a virus. Last week the removed his adenoids to see if that would help, but he did not tolerate that very well. Finally they were able to discharge home after a few days in PCMC. Well they tested his adenoids and it looks as though Ben has another battle ahead, CANCER! I know that this world was not created for me to understand, but I am stunned that after all this little boy and his family have endured they have another such journey to travel. Please keep Ben and his family in your prayers and thoughts. He is having more tests done tomorrow to verify this terrible news.