January 10

Well, today is Danny's birthday and Friday was the anniversary of Bridger being gone for five months. I think that it has been a week since I cried and I can feel it just waiting to come out. On Friday at work, I had to check a wound on a little baby. He was grabbing my fingers and giving me the "no no no" head shake. He was just happy to have someone to play with for a minute and I was glad to do it, but it makes me sad that this interaction is not with my own baby. Friday was an interesting day, it seemed that some of "regulars" whose daily lives seem to hang in the balance were doing better than ever. I was so happy to see these kids bright eyed and smiling, it took me back to the good days Bridger would frequently have. I was so glad to see one particular kid on the floor playing with his mom, enjoying life. It is amazing to see these children who are living such a challenging life, be so happy just to be here. When they are feeling good, they are the happiest kids I have ever seen. For those of you who don't already know, I am working at Primary Children's Hospital now. So many ask why I went back there to work and the truth is that I needed to be somewhere that so many people knew my son, they help to keep his spirit alive, they saw his beautiful smile daily, they saw his "no no no" head shake, they heard him laugh and talk. Though this does not bring him back to me, I am hoping that I will be able to provide something to other patients and families that our nurses provided to us. We had an extended family, I knew that people were caring for my son as if he was their own. I want to give that back to others that share the same life that we lived. This is like nothing that I have previously done in my nursing career. There are many new things to learn and I am doing my best to absorb all that I can.