30 months-Pondering "The Savior of the World"
10 years ago
Monday, February 8, 2010
February 8, 2010
2 years ago today, Danny and I heard Bridger's heart beat for the first time. This was our confirmation that we were going to have a precious child of our own. 1 year ago today, our family had been home together. And though, only for a few days, these were days that we never thought possible after the struggles Bridger overcame in the hospital that winter. 6 months ago, today, I was holding Bridger's lifeless body in my arms. I know that his spirit and soul were no longer in there, but I was not ready to put him down for the last time here on earth. When Bridger and I moved to Texas, I had started to read The Purpose Driven Life , and the night before Bridger died, I had read the chapter explaining that this world is not the end. While reading, I was saddened, but at the same time comforted knowing that no matter what, I would be with my baby again. As I was reading, I did not know that this would be the last night I spent with my son. However, the next day, when Bridger died, this was the only thought I had that kept me from completely losing my mind. It is this same thought that keeps me going today. I know that Danny and I will be with our son again and that we will raise him where he will not have to rely on IV medicine and oxygen and feeding pumps just to be a baby. I miss him more and more the longer we are apart, but I don't ask why. I thank God every night that he won't suffer in this world anymore. Though Bridger was only here for 11 months and 4 days, I feel like he taught me more in that time than I have learned in 28 years. He forced me to live in the moment (for those of you who didn't know me before, I had life planned years ahead), he taught me not to judge others and their actions ( you never know the circumstances) and he taught me not to worry about the petty things in life ( he enjoyed playing with a washcloth just as much as a new toy). And though I still need occasional reminders, I try my best every day to live up to these lessons. For whatever time I have left on this earth, I will do my best to honor my son and try to help ease the suffering in those around me. Bridger, I LOVE YOU!
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8 comments:
Such a great message. I have been wanting to read that book.
You amaze me!
You are amazing! I love getting to see you at the hospital. You are a great person. I KNOW without any doubt that you WILL raise your sweet little guy in the next life. I have had some personal experiances that cause me to believe this with ALL of my heart. You have such a unique gift! Sending love your way!
That was a beautiful message Stac. I love you.
Today is the anniversary of both my and Cody's grandmas passing away. I remember 15 years ago when my grandma passed and being almost afraid of death and admittedly really nervous around her lifeless body shortly after it happened. Three years ago today Cody's grandma passed. I had had the opportunity to care for her twice a week for quite a while and had really gotten to know her and was so saddened by her decline that I remember feeling like her death was a blessing because she wouldn't be suffering anymore.
But it wasn't until your sweet Bridger passed away last year, at his funeral actually, that I felt how truly beautiful God's plan is for families to be together forever. We are not meant to love with the depth that you love Bridger only to have it end so suddenly. I miss him and think of him often but I know it is not even a small fraction of what you feel. I cannot even comprehend it. But I know that death is not the scary thing I thought as a child, nor is it mearly relief from suffering. It is part of a grand plan. An eternal plan. God said that "Men are that they might have joy." And all of these experiences that take us gradually from one part of our life to the next truly are for our good and will eventually bring us the greatest joy. You amaze me. I know that has become like a cliche or a broken record because everyone says that about you. Don't disregard it though, so many people find strength in you. I do. Take care my sweet friend. Ü
Thank you Staci! Thank you for being a wonderful person. Thank you for reminding me of all these things and to treasure the things I have. Thank you for your help and strength.
Your words have strengthened me many times. Thank you!! Know that there are many of us heart moms that love you and are here for you!
Becca-Ellie's mom
Bridger, I miss those blue eyes and the chunky monkey cheeks. I miss your flirty ways too! Keep watching over your mom and dad.
What a wonderful post. I am so glad that you wrote that down and shared your thoughts and memories. Bridger was an amazing little boy and you are an amazing mom. Knowing that we will be with our children again is the only thing that helps, huh? And we will be. I know that Bridger and Eliana are in heaven watching us, loving us, and doing woderful things in heaven until we return to be with them. I love looking at his picture with his big blue eyes. Thanks again for sharing that. Hang in there and you know I am always here for you!
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