30 months-Pondering "The Savior of the World"
10 years ago
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
4/13/10
I am overwhelmed with a surge of emotions today. Another amazing child that I know has decided that he is no longer meant for this world. And though he is not leaving today, it will be soon. One of the most difficult parts I found about being a mother was ensuring that while my child was unable to speak for himself, I listened very carefully to what he was telling me and expressed his wishes for him. This is no easy feat when the wishes of your child are to essentially insist on no further intervention of the path they are now ready to follow, the path that will take them from your arms, from this world. The mother of this beautiful child is now having to express these wishes and it is causing me physical pain to watch her as she gracefully embarks on this new journey. I have only walked in my shoes through a similar journey, so I will not pretend that I know how this mother feels. But watching another family move through similar circumstances re-opens the wound that I have been trying so hard to keep closed. I find myself falling apart at the seams not only for my loss of Bridger, but also the loss that this family will soon know. Now I don't mean to be misunderstood, I know that each and every moment I had with my child was a blessing that I am grateful to have received. But knowledge of my blessings cannot erase the pain. It cannot fill my empty arms. At night I hold a stuffed moose that Bridger got when we were in the hospital. I hold this specific animal over the others because he is close to the size Bridger was when I last held him. This may sound crazy, but there are times I need to pretend I can still hold him and though I know that I am only holding a stuffed animal it helps to ease the pain for a short time. Please keep this sweet family in your prayers as they continue on a very difficult journey. Please, please hold your sweet children close to you tonight with the knowledge that others wish they could be doing the same. Bridger, I love you and though I would never ask you to return to this world where you endured so much pain, I long for the day when we are together, as a family, again. Goodnight, I love you.
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Hospital Pictures
Slide show
1 comment:
Staci, I don't think it sounds crazy that you sometimes "pretend" to hold Bridger. I think that he loves that. I still don't think he is that far away, and if we could all be more in touch with our spiritual side, I think we would realize that. The only problem is, we can't remember what it was like in the spirit world. All we know and remember, is the physical part. The touching, holding, kissing,and caring for.That is what makes losing someone we love so much, so very difficult. We have a slide show of Bridger on our computer that plays over and over, and this morning Kolten was sitting at the computer, watching the pictures. Nichole was doing laundry, and she saw the picture of Bridger, and she said, "Bridger!", and came over and gave him a big kiss. Kolten looked at her all confused, and then he said, "mommy, Bridger's picture is on the computer, but he is really RIGHT HERE!!!" Out of the mouths of babes. I believe that these little ones that have just come from our Father in Heaven can remember things a little more clearly. I want to believe that he is still "right here." Everytime I am having a bad day, or I am really sad, all I have to do is think of him playing hide and seek, and I get the biggest smile on my face!! OUR ANGEL BABY BOY WAS AMAZING!! I too, long to hold him, and snuggle him. I miss him. Sorry this is so long. I love you and Danny so much, and I would do anything to take away this pain if I could. I LOVE YOU BRIDGER!!
Love,
Nana
P.S. By the way, Stace..I still sleep with his blanket!!
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