Well, I have been stuck in limbo for a bit now, but hiding it well. A swell of emotions seems to be constantly rushing through me, yet I am unable to identify a specific one. I have not been sleeping well and though I try to blame it on Danny's persistent cough, deep down I know that a cough is not the culprit here. Thankfully, those around me have put with me thus far. My best friend let me clean out her entire basement in order to help purge my system and release some of the restlessness. I know that this sounds more like a favor to her, but she was very gracious as I threw away items that she has held close to her for years. After eight hours of tossing, reorganizing and cleaning, I thought that I may have cleansed my system for a bit, but today it returns. I tried cleaning out my closet tonight, only to find that I cannot give away shirts that I wore while Bridger was alive. They don't fit me anymore, but I was wearing these items as I held my most precious gift. And of course, the snowball begins. I start to think about our families and how most of them never saw Bridger and his amazing spirit in person. I do not regret our actions of protection, in fact, I know that our germ free environment helped to give us the time we had. But it does sadden me to know that, for some of his aunts and uncles, they only saw him when he was sedated and hanging on to the edge of life in December 2008 and then again at his funeral. For years I have been in love with watching all of our nieces and nephews grow and become the amazing people they are today. And when we got pregnant, I could not contain the excitement I felt thinking that now our parents and brothers and sisters would be able to see our child emerge in the same way. Every time we entered the hospital and every time Bridger was wheeled down the hall for another heart surgery, I did fear for his life. But somehow, I always thought that he would be the one to beat the odds. Even going to Texas, I thought that he would amaze the medical world by thriving after a heart-lung transplant. I always dreamed that in a couple of years, Bridger and I in our Ute apparel and Ben and Angela in their BYU apparel would go back to Primary Children's and our two boys, who beat amazing odds would RUN through the PICU and I would introduce Bridger to all of the nurses and doctors and other staff who helped him get to where he was that day. I still have this dream, though I know Bridger and I will not be returning to the PICU in this way. Bridger, although you see me running so fast down here, PLEASE know that I am not running from you. If I am to be here without you, I will do my best to make a difference in your honor. I am just trying to make you proud and keep what is left of my sanity at the same time. Please know that all that I do, I am doing for you! I LOVE YOU!
P.S. Give grandma and nana a kiss, this Sunday is mother's day!
30 months-Pondering "The Savior of the World"
10 years ago
3 comments:
My Sweet Bridger Boy...I LOVE YOU!!! Thank you for choosing mommy and daddy as your parents. I will be forever grateful that you are a part of our family. I miss you..my arms ache for you, as does my heart. Please send mommy and dady some sweet kisses from Heaven.I love you my precious angel!!
Nana
Oh staci- I love you!
Dear Staci and Danny,
Staci, although we've never met I feel I know you because of all the "kids" who grew up coming in and out of our home over the years and Danny and the group were part of those "kids". I know you've probably gotten more advice than you ever, ever wanted. But, this isn't advice..This is just one mom who lost her baby(Chelsea was our baby at 20!) telling another mom who lost hers..that it's ok to feel any way you feel. It will be 5 years in July and I cry every single day, often more than once and sometimes..all day long. Not a month will go by that a memory is triggered and damn it hurts! But, someone told me when we lost our Chelsea that the pain never goes away, it just gets softer. I guess that is true, it has softened. But, I am still angry, I still feel cheated, I still hurt for every parent who has been cheated out of watching their babies, no matter how old they are, grow up and do all the things we prayed for as parents.
We can't run away from our hearts even though it seems like it would help, even for a second to not feel so much pain. But, we loved so much and with everything we have and that's why we hurt so badly. We can't "clean" our hearts out..our most precious love is inside us, waiting for the day we'll be with our children again.
If there's one way I know I've changed these past 5 years, it's the fact that I MUST rely on faith. I know God didn't give us these beautiful, amazing, special kids just to take them away from us. We'll be with them again. I believe that with all my heart.
Your pain is so raw honey. You're doing such amazing things in Bridger's memory and he knows it, God knows it and everyone who loves you two know it. Talk to him, hold his teddy bear, keep everything (even if it's old clothes). It's your choice. Don't let anybody tell you when it's time to make decisions you're not ready to make. I have all Chelsea's clothes, her bridal bouquet, her makeup bag..you name it. I sometimes go downstairs and just smell her clothes..which is crazy because they are all clean, but I feel her and I think I can smell her perfume. I may never give those things up. And it's ok!
I hope I haven't stepped over a line. I have thought of you both often and although our circumstances are different, we still lost our precious children. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to call me. I am sure you can get my number from any of the kids.
I hope Bridger visits you in your dreams honey.
Hugs,
Yvonne Eskelson
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