Two years ago.....

Two years ago tonight, Bridger went to sleep early. I decided to take the boys for a walk while Danny and Bridger stayed home. Just as I was ready to walk out the door, Bridger woke up. I stayed home with Bridger and Danny took the boys for a walk since they were all ready and excited to go. Bridger went back to sleep quickly and so I got ready for bed as well. Just when I thought that things were starting to settle into a bit of a routine, our world was turned upside down. 104 weeks ago, at 6:00 am, after a long night of Bridger waking frequently and me sleeping on his bedroom floor to be close to him, Bridger turned blue. My first instinct was that he was choking, so I flipped him over my arm and did back blows to help dislodge whatever he had choked on. He regained his color, so I that maybe that was what had happened. But then he did it again. I called my mom and she drove us to the hospital. I sat in back with Bridger to make sure that he was okay. When we arrived to Primary Children's Medical Center emergency room, I told them what had happened and they took him right back. As we got into the room, he did it again. Suddenly we were surrounded by nurses and doctors who were trying to start IVs and keep him oxygenated and asking questions about how we got to this point. Next thing I knew, Bridger had to be sedated, paralyzed and intubated because he could not manage breathing on his own anymore. This didn't make sense to me. Bridger had already survived one heart surgery, we had already lived through the most terrifying moments of our lives, how could this be happening? In the weeks leading up to this event, I had taken Bridger to the hospital, doctors and even a chiropracter because I felt that something was not right for him. Each time I was sent away being told that these were just simple "baby things" and that he would grow out of them. I began to believe this and believe that I was just a fanatical new mom. But now we were here and I was being told that MY baby, the one who I had prayed to have for such a long time, MY baby might not make it through the next hours, let alone the next days, weeks and months. Bridger went on to live for 8 months after this terrifying day and I wouldn't give any day back, but this does not erase the pain. I know that I am not meant to understand the ways of this world and I guess that is good because I DON'T UNDERSTAND! While I am at peace knowing that Bridger does not suffer in this world any longer and that I won't have to hold him down and tell him everything will be alright, when I know that it won't, I am angry. I have been fighting this one for a long time. I am grateful for all of the moments that I had with my beautiful boy, I know that he is truly a gift and will always be mine. But I am angry that our time together was so short, I am angry today as I watch others with their children and feel as though they do not appreciate the blessings in their lives. Thought these perfect strangers know nothing about me and are probably aware of their blessings, I am still angry. I am angry that other parents will have to face the pain that Danny and I face everyday. I wish that the entire world could know Bridger and live by his example. He was wise beyond his years, he only cried when his body was failing or he was being poked. He loved to smile and laugh. No matter what toys I would buy for him, he always loved his hospital garbage more. He gave me the strength to wake each day with a new found love of life. With Bridger gone, I still try to live this way in his honor, however, some days are much more challenging. Today is one of those days. If I could melt out of my skin, away from this earth and to heaven with my baby, I would. I will always look forward to the day when we are together again. Bridger, I love you my sweet boy!