WHAMMMM! A fresh wave of grief and sadness overcomes your soul and drags your heart back into the depths of your despair. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and could GIVE A CRAP LESS! My baby has been gone for 2YEARS, 6 MONTHS and 18 DAYS. As I have stated so many times before I miss Bridger so much that it hurts. I was physically ill this morning as my emotions continued to stir and rev up for the implosion of sadness that would hit me tonight. I was kayaking out at the Great Salt Lake when my body was overwhelmed with nausea and dizziness. At first I thought maybe motion sickness, second low blood sugar. But now I am back on dry land and have been for 6 hours, however, the nausea, dizziness and foggy vision are still present with more force than this morning.
As I watched the video of Bridger that was played at his funeral, part of me relives every beautiful moment and the other part can't even hold it together because I know he is NOT still on earth with me. I DON'T WANT HIM TO LIVE THROUGH ANYMORE SUFFERING FOR ME, I just want to touch his silky soft skin as I give him a bed bath before going to sleep. I want him to throw things on the floor and giggle everytime I pick them up and wash them just so he can do it again. I want to rock him in the swing on our new house's back porch. I want the job I go to work for each day to be for him, not in memory of him. When I meet new heart families I want to be able to tell them "my son is a survivor", not "my son is an angel" which is usually followed by silence and a piteous look. Don't get me wrong, I will always cherish my angel son, I just want him to be an angel on EARTH right now. I know that I am being selfish! I know that this anger will not always be mixed with my sadness, but right now my insides are boiling and I just want to scream! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Well, now I have exhausted myself with heaving and tears. I guess I will go back to my quiet house and quiet life and continue to search for the reasons I am here on earth.
Bridger-mommy loves you so much! As my birthday comes tomorrow, I will thank God for the most precious gift I have ever received in my entire being, YOU. I love you! I love YOU!
30 months-Pondering "The Savior of the World"
10 years ago
7 comments:
You sweet women! You are forever his mother. Just like you wanted Bridger to be happy....he too wants the same for you. With each breath that you take he is watching you. He loves you! He is one lucky little angel boy to have such a loving mommy. I think of you often. If you ever need anything, PLEASE let me know. As for your Birthday.....Have a wonderful one. Live it up for Bridger! Hugs to you.....Miss seeing you!
You are what every Mother should strive to be.
You have a right to feel the way you do and don't you let anyone tell you otherwise.
Happy Birthday to you sweet Mom.
Staci:
You are an amazing and strong woman....a blessing in so many lives (mine included). I hope you have a happy birthday after all as I know that that is what Bridger would want for you. I know what it feels like to miss your baby ALL the time and to ache every day for what might have been...what we both wouldn't give to have our angels back in our arms again. Happy Birthday. I will be thinking of you.
Happy Birthday, Staci. It truly is surprising how grief has the knack of sneaking up on you in the must unsuspecting moments. I hope that you were able to find some peace today in thinking about your sweet Bridger and knowing that you made his life as wonderful and happy as possible.
Much love to you on this "crappy" day.
I want you to know I think about you often. I know that doesn't change things. But know that you are loved.
Thinking of you and praying for your comfort! Bridger wants his Mommy happy!
Sending hugs!
Mason's Mommy
Staci...
Words can't explain the emotions I have as I read your blog. We have grown apart, but I want you to know our friendship has always been part of me. From my first day of school in first grade and we became bestfriends to the few months we lived together in Seattle. Please feel free to email me, I would love to chat.
Jill Stewart (now Hartley)
jbs121272@gmail.com
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