thankful on this day of giving thanks...

Well you might all be happy to know that I am a bit less angry as I post today.

Today, Danny and I decided to stay home together and be thankful for what we have instead of going out and grieving over what we have not.  This may not make sense to some of you, but it makes perfect sense to us.  While we love our family dearly, holidays and special occasions are reminders that we have yet to be able to take one of our children to nana's and papa's for a family meal.  We haven't been able to dress our babies up in some silly little costume and take them around to "trick or treat".  But back to the point......instead of us feeling bad for our losses, we are grateful for our blessings.

1- I am blessed to have the experience of being pregnant twice!  Especially when we thought it might not even be possible once.
2- I love the feeling of my babies inside of me, playing and sleeping, there is nothing like the closeness that I have felt with each of them.
3- I am blessed to have a husband who is my best friend.  He takes me as I am whether that is angry, sad, crying, dysfunctional, distanced, you name it he has lived with me through it all and still loves me.  When many couples have fallen away from each other in such difficult times, I am forever grateful that we have only become closer.
4- We are blessed to have our family and friends, so many of you have been such a great support to us.  You have not demanded things that we cannot give and you have loved us through it all.
5- We are blessed to have both a little boy and a little girl and though we have not and will not get to see them grow too old in this life, I know we will in the next.  I am excited to see who is more like Danny and who is more like me!

Though there are many more things that I am grateful for, these are at the top of my list.  I hope you have taken a moment to think about your blessings..........

what part of this seems okay

A little over two weeks ago we found out that the baby we are expecting has HLHS.  The first few days after being told all I could do was cry.  I felt nauseous and couldn't breathe.  Danny and I both feel strongly that surgery is not the right option for her and that bringing her home after she is born would be a blessing if she can make it home.  I cried for the life I had created for her in my mind.  During this pregnancy, I have been trying not to think too far ahead for fear of what could change.  But around two weeks before we found out about her heart I began to let my guard down.  I thought about swimming lessons and swingsets and what school she would go to.  I thought about holidays and birthdays and how things might be different in our lives.  I cried because this is all washing away before my eyes.  I have been fearful to post about our decision, not because I question it, but because I am too weak and broken to face any criticism.   I am fearful that all of my heart mommies out there will think I have betrayed them or feel that I am questioning the choices they have made for their sweet babes.  

I don't want Finleigh to know the pain that Bridger did and I worry that she will think I do not love her as much as Bridger.  I feel like a BAD MOTHER for both of their broken hearts.  I am scared that we will not get to meet her in this life, but I know that is a very real possibility. 

I was very calm and peaceful this past week, enjoying the moments I have with her now.  Feeling her move inside of me, trying to convince myself that she is safe there.  I couldnt think about what is to come.

Today, while at the grocery store, I began to panic.  I saw the Christmas candy and heard a child crying and started losing my breath.  I hurried out to my car hoping to calm myself down, but with no avail.  I became hysterical, sobbing and furious.  I wanted to destroy something, break something, anything to stop this pain.  I don't know why this is happening AGAIN!  And though it will be very different from Bridger's life and death it is still the death of my child!  I AM NOT OKAY! THIS IS NOT OKAY!  I am planning a funeral for the life inside that I long to meet in this world.  I am buying fabric to make the dress she will be buried in.  I walk past the baby toys at the store knowing I will not be buying them for her because she will not live to an age to be able to use them.  At the cemetery, I will have two headstones with the names of our children engraved on them.  This does not make sense.  We have longed for a family and were given that blessing with Bridger for a short time.  I never thought we would dare to have  children again, then somehow, we decided to try again only to find ourselves with broken hearts as we hope to meet our sweet girl here on earth.

I am so angry right now, I cried so hard, my nose bled for an hour.  I am begging for guidance and strength and I continue to carry this sweet girl.  There are some who would like me to terminate to "save myself some grief"  this would not save me any grief, that would be that much sooner that she would be gone.  That much sooner I would have TWO dead children.  That is fine for them to have an opinion for what they would do, but I didn't ask what you would do and those that I have asked already have one dead child.  This is a bitter post because I am bitter.  If you do not like these words, please don't read!  This is my space, my outlet!

Bridger and Finleigh, mommy loves you!  I am sorry that I am so angry right now, but it is not at either of you!