Closer each day....

Well, if you thought that my last post was inspiring, hang on to that thought....

My anxiety has been increasing as each day passes and we get closer to the inevitable.  While I am excited to meet my sweet girl face to face, I dread having to let her go. 

Let's look at the negatives first (maybe following with the positives will make me less anxious).

Each day is one day closer to....
 
-The fear that she may not come out alive
-Holding my sweet baby as she takes her last breath
-Calling the mortuary to pick her up and take her away
-Telling our family and friends that she is gone
-Picking out her casket
-Making funeral arrangements
-Burying her
-Knowing that I will never hold her again in this world
-Returning to life and work because the world keeps turning

The positives of each day getting one day closer.........

-Hearing her cry
-Watching Danny hold her
-Holding her in my arms, never wanting to let go
-Staring at her sweet face, trying to memorize each feature
-Dressing her in her "going home" outfit
-Bringing her home (God willing)
-Lying with her in our arms, enjoying whatever family time we might have
-Smelling her sweet scent
-Soaking up every moment that we have together

If only, I could force myself to ignore the first part of this post.  I become trapped inside of myself as thoughts race in fear of what is coming.  I am becoming physically ill, so nauseous that I cannot catch my breath as I try to remove these thoughts from my world.  If she does not move for any length of time, I am terrified that she is already gone and I sit paralyzed praying that she will kick or roll or something, anything to let me know that she is still okay.

I hope to heaven that my anxiety does not overwhelm her and that the stress I feel does not stress her out as well.  At times, I think she tries to make me feel better by bouncing around in my belly as the tears flow down my cheeks.  I pray that she knows how much we love her.

With my sweet boy, though our time was borrowed, we had so much.  When he survived December if 2008, I knew that each moment after was a miracle and deep down I thought he would "make it".  When he didn't, my world was turned upside down and I still have trouble believing it really happened.  This time, we know the outcome, but will that change any of the aftermath?  Will my downward spiral move slower or less deep this time?  I feel like that journey has already begun.  I carry a weight on my shoulders that makes each step exhausting.

I have been able to stay reasonably in denial for quite some time, while being aware of Finleigh's condition, I have tried to ignore the finality of it.  But those days are over now.  The reality surrounds me as we choose a hospice agency for her, make our birth plan for the possibilities of her condition on arrival.  As I pick things up from the store (baby lotion, baby wash, bottles) hoping that I will get to use these items, but being aware that we may not use very much if any at all.  We have a few outfits for her, but as I was with Bridger, I am hesitant to wash them for fear that I will and she won't need them.

We have this mini crib in our room filled with things for her and it is difficult for me to look at because my fear overwhelms me.

I know how hard it has been with Bridger gone, and believe me, just because I am less vocal about it, the pain has not improved.  So with both of my children gone, will the pain double?  Will more of me just "turn off"?  I feel like a shell of who I used to be, how much more can be emptied out?  I am sure we will see soon enough.

I don't know if I have already told this story, but I am telling it again.  Shortly after we found out about Finleigh's diagnosis, I asked my grandfather and uncle for a blessing.  When talking with them about what I would like the blessing for, I told them that I wasn't asking for a blessing of healing, but for a blessing of peace.  Deep in my heart, I know she is not meant to stay here long, but I need the strength and peace to carry her and let her go.  My uncle went on to tell me a story about when sailors would go out to sea, that some would bless the sailor and some would bless the storm.  Meaning that they would bless the storm not to come or to pass without harming the sailor.  He told me that he would bless the sailors.  We don't want this storm to pass, we want to meet our daughter.  But we need the strength and peace to survive this storm. 

So if you are wondering what you can do, please just bless the sailors.  We are weary and heart broken, but we still want to have the storm, we still want our daughter whether here or there.

the story of two angels

The Tale of The Two Traveling Angels

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy man. The wealthy man did not think much of the two angels of light. He thought they were two useless vagabonds and refused to let them stay in one of his many guestrooms. Instead the two angels were given a small space in the cold and damp basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied: " Things are not always what they seem."

The next night the two angels arrived at the house of a very poor farmer and his wife. The poor couple immediately recognized the two strangers and were more than happy to welcome them into their home. They shared the little food they had and let the angels sleep in their own bed, where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the two angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was shocked. He turned to the older angel and asked him bitterly: " How could you have let this happen? The first man had everything but gave us nothing, yet you helped him. This couple had nothing but gave us everything and yet you let their cow die.

"Things are not always what they seem," the old angel replied calmly. "In the basement of the wealthy man's house a treasure of pure gold and diamonds is hidden in that hole in the wall. Since the man was so obsessed with greed and so unwilling towards us, I sealed the wall so he will never find the hidden treasure. Then last night as we slept in the farmer's bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. That old sickly beast was the cause of their poverty anyway and very soon now they will find a new and healthy cow." " Just remember", the old angel said to his young companion,
"Things are not always what they seem."

Sometime after Bridger died, I heard of this story.  I don't remember if someone told me the story or if I read it somewhere, but over the last 3 years, it has given me a lot of perspective. What I get from this story is that whatever happens, the alternative is worse.  For me, to make peace with the circumstances and timing of Bridger's death, I knew that the other option was much worse than the one we have endured.

This may sound crazy to so many of you, but it makes sense to me.  Though Bridger's death was chaotic and terrifying and Danny and I were hundreds of miles apart as our child died, I know that God picked that time and place because the alternative was worse.

"How can it be worse?"  you might ask.  Well to me, having the last thing my child sees be the barrel of a gun while at school is much worse.  Having my child die after being kidnapped and tortures would be much worse.  Even losing my child, knowing that I wasn't able to enjoy every part of his being would be worse than the way I lost Bridger.  Though I didn't want him to go, I am forever grateful that I had every moment with him that I did.

So now with Finleigh.  Knowing that Danny and I will be together and with her as she takes her last breath will be the better alternative for us.  Knowing that we would surround her with love for all of her time here with us is better than never having had her to love.  Carrying her in my belly and getting to know her sassy ways is better to me than never having her at all.

SO back to the topic "things are not always what they seem"

Just looking at us, many people would see a young couple who will have lost two babies to a horrible disease and people pity us.  Now there are days that I see that too and I pity us too. But most days, I am so grateful that I got to be a mom, even if only for a moment.  But I got to be a mom for a moment TWICE!  For me, to have never even had these moments would be the worse option.
 We are a couple who have wanted children for a long time and we were lucky enough to have them, even if just for moments.

Now, I feel like I am just rambling, but I hope you see what I see in this story and in this post.  Your alternative could be SOOO much worse.

Our sweet little girl

Here are a couple of 3D pictures we had taken over the weekend.  She, much like her brother, does not like to show much while in my belly.  She kept putting her arm in the way, but after several attempts, we got  some good pictures.  She continues to roll around in my belly like she is in her own personal bounce house.  I can't believe we are so close to her birth.  I want to meet her so badly, but I don't want her to leave the safety of my womb.  I hope you enjoy the pics!