8 days ago....

8 days ago, right this moment, I was holding the lifeless body of my sweet baby girl in my arms.  I dreaded the moment that the mortuary would pick her up and I would never hold in my earthly arms again.  At 5:00 pm, as I held her against me, with her head near my heart, she took her last breath.  She had lived 18 days, 4 hours and 45 minutes.  While she lived longer than any of us had anticipated, the time still feels too short.

On Easter Sunday, she began to show signs of her heart and body declining.  She began sleeping more and sweating while she ate.  On Monday, when she did wake to eat, it was difficult for her to eat and breathe at the same time.  She would start to cry and then pass out from exhaustion.  Monday night, she was uncomfortable and unable to rest for very long due to her little heart failing and increased difficulty breathing.  This continued on through Tuesday.  We started using some of the hospice medications to help her breathe better and make her less anxious.  I held her in my arms, not wanting to let go, knowing that the moment was coming when she would no longer be with me.

I knew she had begun to suffer and was in constant prayer that God would take her and relieve her suffering, all the while knowing that my suffering was only beginning or returning...

When I was pregnant with Finleigh, I had this terrible feeling that she would not make it out breathing and that we would never hold her alive.  In the operating room as they cut me open and prepared to take her out, I heard my doctor say "she's a squirmy little thing".  I began to cry, knowing that she was alive and moving.  When they pulled her out, Danny heard her first cry and then I heard her tell me that she was here.  When Bridger was born, he came out blue and not breathing.  So for us to hear our daughter cry first thing was so amazing.  This was the first of so many moments that Finleigh shared with us that was different than our time with Bridger.

Danny brought her over to me and I saw my beautiful, sassy baby girl.  Perfect!

When we were taken to recovery, Danny gave her to me to hold against my heart, another first.  Bridger was whisked into the ICU to start his breathing and medications to keep him alive.  Immediately, Finleigh decided she was hungry and I gave her a bottle which she took with ease and comfort.  Our sweet Bridger did not get any food by mouth until he was almost 3 weeks old and even then it was uncomfortable for him.  We were taken from recovery to a maternity unit and I was able to keep Finleigh with me every second.  Due to her condition and our wishes for "compassionate care", she was not taken from us to go to the nursery. 

47 hours after she was born, we packed up and took our sweet Finleigh home!  This was such a gift!  As a family, we all discharged from the hospital together.  Once home, we settled into our little routine.  Finleigh was pretty determined in her schedule.  She wanted to eat every 2 hours, it took her about 10 minutes to eat.  Then we changed her diaper, snuggled and if we could take our eyes off of her, we went to sleep for about 90 minutes until she was ready again.  Daddy got a little extra sleep around 4 am and mommy got a little extra sleep around 8 am.  Otherwise, neither of us wanted to miss a moment of her.  Rarely was she not in mommy's or daddy's arms and even then it was because we were sharing her with one of her grandparents.

Being a hospice nurse and an "angel mom" to another heart baby, I analyzed every thing she did.  I have never had a "well baby" and did not know what were expected baby habits.  If it seemed like she slept too long, I worried, if she pooped too often, I worried.  I consulted my friend who is very close to the cardiology world and she encouraged me to let Finleigh be Finleigh and not try to anticipate every move.  For the most part, I was able to enjoy each and every moment, but in some of our quiet moments I could not overcome my fear of letting her go.  Being a mom is the greatest joy I have ever experienced and I didn't want it to end, again.  Taking care of my babies and giving every part of myself to them was all I wanted to do.

So as the days continued, though I knew better, part of me kept hoping that maybe the missing parts of her heart had grown and were working.  There were obvious signs that she had a heart defect, but I wanted so badly for those signs just to be a coincidence.

You can't tell from her pictures, but Finleigh had fiery, red hair.  We should have known, she was so sassy in the womb, we should have expected her sweet head to be red.  When I first held her, she kept lifting her head to look around, she was so busy.  At home, we couldn't stop taking pictures of her and I have all of these action shots where she is waving her arms around.  She would giggle in her sleep, she would tickle my neck when I held her.  She would grab her bottle from me and hold it while she ate.  When I would wrap her in her blanket, she would wriggle and squirm until she could get her arms free and maneuver them how she saw fit.

I miss her.......

I miss my babies......