an overwhelmed, but empty heart...

In so many ways I am at a loss for words tonight, but in the same breath I am overwhelmed with the happenings around me.  As I check in on those I know from this "angel mommy" life I lead, I find that one friend just buried their second child and find a new friend who has lost 3 sweet babes.  All the while, there are many fighting, crying and praying for their child to have at least one more breath...one more word....one more smile.

On this side of life, what wouldn't we (angel parents) give to feel their soft skin under our fingertips, to see their eyes, to hold them close....

Every time I hear of more parents having to give their children back to God, I feel the pain all over again.  I know what is coming for them and it hurts.  I pray that they may find peace and comfort, even though they may never understand why their children had to be the ones to go.

Some parents are so good at expressing themselves and it seems as if they are writing what my heart is screaming out.  I have not written as much since losing Finleigh, who knows why?  But I read and I hear my feelings being expressed all around me.  On blogs, in prayers, in music.  My story is being told.  But is it my story that needs telling?  No.  I am still here.  People know me, they know where I have been.  They do not know my children and, in this life, they never will.  In fact I feel like I only know a small part of them as well.  I know that I know them better than anyone, but there is still so much more to know......

How would they react to their first birthday cake?  Or swimming for the first time?  What would they think of snow? Would our firey little Finleigh eat peanut butter cups before bed like her daddy?  Or would my beautiful Bridger continue to be mellow and thoughtful as he grew up?  I like to imagine how life would have been.  What we might have done had things been different.  It doesn't usually go very far because, how can it?  It won't happen here and I don't know how it will be there.

I imagine that I will not struggle with depression and anxiety.  That just the thought of going in public will not exhaust me and send my mind spinning.  I dream about taking them to the park or swimming.  About Danny teaching them both how to throw a ball.  I think that Bridger would probably rather play with the dogs while Finleigh would up for anything new, she would probably be daddy's little girl.

We bought a king sized bed last year in hopes that if we had more children, we could all snuggle in our bed to watch movies or just hang out.  How big our bed feels at times....empty. 

The winter is coming.  The days are getting shorter and I wonder how bad it will get.  I know we will make it through, but what does that mean?

I am still trying to find my purpose on this earth since, at this point, it is not raising children of my own. I am thinking of volunteering to be a baby holder at the hospital.  This is for babies whose families are from out of town and can't be there as much to hold and love them.  This way, I could help.  This way, I could give some of the love that still floats around inside of me.  We will see.

Let's not bring up the "you can adopt" idea please.  We know that it is always a possibility and maybe one day it will be, but for now, what comes to mind for me is that adopted children can still die.  At this point, my heart cannot bury any more.

Again, I am overwhelmed, but empty at the same time.  What a strange feeling, almost numbing.  Well, this life goes on.  It has been 4 years and 3 months since I last held my son alive and 7 months and 6 days since I last held my daughter.  There is nothing like holding my own children.  Even if I had only held them once, it is a feeling I wound never give back.  It is like submerging your soul into a warm bath, it melts away all that is around you.  I know that I have said it many times before, but with my babies, I had purpose.  I knew what that purpose was.  With them gone, I am not so sure.  I am looking, always looking, but not sure.

Lord, I pray for the wisdom to know what path you would have me follow and for the strength to take those steps.  Please give my sweet babies a kiss from their mommy.

I love you my sweet peas!