what is the absence of feeling?

   I don't know any other way to explain how I feel other than I don't feel anything right now.  Maybe my mind is just quiet and I don't know what to do with that.  Maybe this is God's way of giving me a break for a minute.  I feel like I am floating under water.  I can hear distant echos of what is around me.  I know that Danny and the dogs are asleep right next to me, but it feels strange in here.  Empty.
My mind has been running faster than my body can keep up.   It is not that anything important is happening, it is only the stuff of life.  Work, grocery shopping, eating and sleeping.  Simple things, but I feel like I am constantly trying to catch up.
I used to be able to run circles around people at work.  After Bridger left, I was reduced to half speed.  Now that Finleigh is gone, I feel like I am running at half of that.  I know that I need to learn to slow down, but part of me equates that with being incapable.  I have always been good at work.  Not always good at the other stuff, but work has been my security blanket and as time passes, it becomes less so.
I go through these cycles.  I try to so many things because,  let's face it, I don't have kids to raise.  But then I become overwhelmed and defeated.  Then sad.  And then empty....  and that brings me back to right now.  The absence of feeling.  I don't know if that's good or bad, but either way, it just is.
I bought a Christmas tree this year.  (The year after Bridger left I gave away almost everything that we owned that had to do with family- including the tree)  this was a big step as I had no intentions of decorating for Christmas again.  It hurt though, more than I anticipated.  By the time I left the store I was shaking and my stomach was in knots.  I don't think I can put it up this year, but it's here, in the house.
Finleigh would have turned 9 months last week.  5 years ago, right now, Bridger was doing his best to hang in after a surgery to try and save his life.  With both of my sweet babes, i have so many days amd so many memories that are tied together.  Whether during my pregnancies with them or during their lives or throughout the time since they left, each day means something different.
Only 13 more days until the shortest day of the year, then the daylight will increase.  Here's hoping that it will help this year more than it did last year.
Please pray for all of the mommies and daddies with empty arms tonight, I have a feeling they need it....

Bridger and Finleigh,  mommy loves you!