FOT 2010

After another long night, we are almost finished with our tree for the Festival of Trees! We decided to try and get most of it decorated before decorating day because we didn't think that the twelve hours allowed would be enough time. On decorating day, we will take our tree to the Expo center and add the finishing touches, then I will take a picture and post it for all of you to see.

On another note, Friday I received a message that another little hero died Thursday night. This brave boy was not a heart baby, he suffered from SMA. Please pray for little Jonas' family and the moments that lie ahead.

Moving.....

Well, we are looking to move out of the only house that we ever brought Bridger home to. While it is painful to think of saying goodbye to this place, it is more painful to live in it knowing that we built it for our family. We are not moving very far, but hopefully far enough that some of the pain will subside. I had to write a letter to the underwriters telling them why I wanted to move a block away from my current house. The letter was basically a run down of our time with Bridger here and the time since he died. Though all of the moments are with me always, I haven't had to stare them in the face for a while. I couldn't finish the letter without bursting into tears while I relived those 11 months of Bridger's life and the 14 months since he died. I am hoping that this move will help us to find a little more peace. I'll let you know.....

As things change............

If you all remember from a previous post I am working back in long term care again. I still work in the wound clinic at PCMC, but that is only 12 hours a week. Being in the hospital less is bittersweet. I don't get to meet other heart moms as I could before, I can't keep tabs on the cardiology and cardiothoracic teams as I could before. But, my overwhelming panic attacks are decreasing as are my flashbacks. It is not that I want to forget the moments I had with my baby boy, but sometimes the haunting of some of our more terrifying moments is more than I can bear. When I leave PCMC after clinic in the evenings, the halls are quite empty and I am taken back to the many 7 pm shift changes when I was kicked out of the PICU for shift change. I would count down the moments until 8 pm when I could return to Bridger's bedside. Now as I walk through the halls, I know that I am not simply waiting to get back to his room and I become overwhelmed and can't catch my breath.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (late)

Well, we celebrated Bridger's second birthday over the holiday weekend. On Saturday, the day of his birthday, we went to dinner and ate red velvet cake at the cemetery. On Sunday, we went out to nana and papa's for his birthday dinner and had cupcakes, each with two candles so that we could all help Bridger blow out his candles. As usual, it was a very strange mix of emotions. On one side I was grateful to celebrate Bridger being born and every moment I shared with him, while on the other, it was difficult to be aware of all of the milestones we would have to wait to see him accomplish. But overall, it was absolutely a day of celebration. On September 4, 2008 at 1:13pm, Bridger entered this world and gave me the wonderous privelage of being his mother. Thank you sweet boy, mommy loves you!

the flashbacks continue....

For those of you who do not know, shortly after Bridger died, I went to work for Primary Children's hospital. I am shared between two units, the wound team (my specialty in long term care) and the surgical unit (where heart babies go after the ICU). I specifically wanted to the surgical unit so that I could be there for other heart moms and other hospital moms. I wanted them to know that they had someone caring for their child that knew what hospital life was like and how fragile these children are. From the beginning, it was a struggle for me. I didn't know if it was because I had never worked with children before or that I had never worked in a hospital before, I just thought that it would take time to get used to it. I never seemed to have this problem with wound team, but days leading up to my shift on surgical I would become overwhelmed with anxiety and sometimes move into a full blown panic attack. I tried to tell myself that it was just coincedence, but just recently, I have come to believe that being on the floor caring for kids is just too much of a reminder for me. Now it would be different if I were remembering the great moments, but my flashbacks of all the life-threatening moments are the ones that keep returning. So at the begining of the month I gave my notice to surgical unit that I could only work for them through the August schedule. This was extremely difficult for me because my coworkers are some of the greatest people I have ever worked with and the patients are wonderful too. But this was something I had to do and it seems I was finally listening to what my heart was saying. Throughout the month of August, my flashbacks have become more frequent and more vivid. I have begun living all of those terrifying moments over and over again. My last shift on the surgical unit is Monday and I am hoping that removing myself from such a familiar area will help to settle my soul. I am still grateful for the time I was able to work on surgical, it showed me the other side of the world while blending that experience with being a heart mom. I met some amazing families who have endured much more than I and are stronger for it, these families will always be an example to me. I will miss many things about the surgical unit, but I have to listen to my heart over my stubborn brain on this one.

I feel as though I should clarify....

After my last post, I received what I thought was strange feedback. In all of my posts, I felt that I was only expressing the sadness that I feel over the loss of my son. I had never once thought that I was complaining about my life or giving a hint that I might possibly end my own life. Even though we have endured great stress and loss, I still know that my life is a blessed one. I know that things can always be worse and that many suffer a great deal more than I have and will. That being said, I do still feel a great deal of sadness when I think about my beautiful baby boy. This is not sadness over the suffering that is over, it is more of a selfish sadness that never again on this earth will I hold him in my arms, will I kiss his sweet face, will I hear his infectious giggle. I would never wish for Bridger to endure more than he already has, but selfishly, I will still miss all of these moments. As far as ending my own life.... this will not happen, I have every intention of rejoining my son in the afterlife and we all know that doesn't come with suicide. Please know that my posts are a way for me to express my moments of grief and anger along with my wonderful memories. This blog allows me this release without having to see the discomfort on the faces of those who don't like hearing it firsthand. The blogging world has been such a comfort to me both during Bridger's life and since his death.

Today

Well, we are here. It has been one year since I last held my precious baby boy in my arms. One year since I heard his infectious laugh only moments before his last cry. I was frozen in time then as I seem to be now. I know that the moments of time are passing, yet I am unable to participate in real life. I have spent most of this day asleep in hopes that if I ignore the reality, it will somehow change. Before Bridger, I had a strong sense of myself. When I was pregnant and then when Bridger was alive, I knew that my path in this life was to be the best mom to him that I could and I did what I thought was best without apology. But now that he is gone, I feel as though I am spiraling as I try to seek out my new place in this world. I have had no greater job than being Bridger's mother and now all else seems to pale in comparison. Bridger, I miss kissing your soft cheeks as you giggle in my ear. I miss giving you bed baths on my bed as you try to roll away so that you can play naked a little while longer. I miss you chewing on your wet washcloth as though it were the most delicious food invented. I miss the way you would talk to daddy on the phone and then look behind the receiver to see if he was hiding. I miss our walks, our play time, our story time. Everything we did together will always be cherished and kept close to my heart. I love you.....