is another storm on its way.......

Today, my heart feels heavy.  Yesterday, I felt anxious and short of breath.  I can't help but wonder if an emotional storm is on its way.  I have been moving through the motions of this life pretty smoothly recently.  At least, I think that I have.  Finleigh moves and kicks frequently throughout the day and this warms my heart and soothes my soul.  I am hanging on to these moments in case they are the only ones I get with her.  I have been having intermittent flashbacks of Bridger's death and I try to calm myself by reminding myself that Finleigh will not die in the same way.  She will be with both Danny and I.  I won't be pushed out of her line of sight.  Hopefully she will not be looking to me with terror in her eyes, wondering why I can't help her.  We won't be 1500 miles away from her daddy. And he won't have to wait until she is cold and blue to kiss her goodbye.

Though these thoughts calm my mind in some ways, I am still faced with the inevitability of her death.  Once again, we will bury our child.  We will have to pick out a casket, a headstone and tuck her in for the last time on this earth.

And so it has begun, my cheeks are soaked with tears now and I can't catch my breath.  The only outlet I have is this blog.  I send it out to the world thinking what?  That someone with magical powers will read this and fix everything?  That by pouring out my heart, I will somehow have my children back and be able to raise them in my own perfect bubble?  I know that this is not going to happen, but still I am compelled to empty my soul to the universe.

Maybe I need proof that my children have been part of this world, even if only for short times.  I have not even held Finleigh in my arms yet, and I already feel the pain and ache that will only worsen when she leaves.  I know that her brother will be waiting for her and that my grandmother will watch over both of them until I get there, but at this moment, that is not enough!  I want to be selfish!  I want to hold them and smell their sweet heads.  I want to hear Bridger talk to his baby sister.  I want to answer his questions about my big belly.  I want to watch him interact with her when he thinks we are not watching.  I want to be awake early Christmas morning because our children cannot wait a moment longer to see what Santa has left around the tree.  Instead, Danny and I will both likely be awake because we are so heartsick that our minds will not quiet down for us to rest.

We wake for hours in the night, restless, sick to our stomachs, unable to return to bed.  Eventually, we become so exhausted, that we can sleep for a bit before the day begins again.  And it always begins again.  Sometimes that is the worst part......the day begins again.  Tomorrow will not stop just because I cannot keep it together tonight.  The world will not be aware of this pain and brokenness, it will wake up and go to work or school again.

Now my bucket is empty, the tears have paused for a moment and I feel like I have been dragged through the mud and left behind.  It is quiet, my heart has hit its breaking point for now, it is numb to anymore pain for the moment.  My body knows this will come again and next time, maybe, it will be more prepared.  But maybe not..........

My sweet babes, Bridger and Finleigh, mommy loves you