WEARY.......

the definition of weary;
             exhausted in strength, endurance, vigor , or freshness

I know that we have discussed this topic many times before.  And yet, it still arises, more often than I am prepared for.  I have been feeling this way for some time now, but by pure adrenaline, have managed to keep moving ahead.  I feel as though my world is different from the real world.  In my world, there are so many who have faced tragedy.  In my world, there are people who know the blessings that they are surrounded with because of the tragedies that they have endured.  In my world, even though it can be so sad, it is genuine.  Those who live in my version of this world are inspiring to me.  They give me this adrenaline to keep going.

In the "real world", it is remarkable to me that so many can be so mean and deceiving and self-serving.  It hurts my heart that in situations where there are opportunities to help someone and make a difference, our priorities easily become skewed.  I feel exhausted.  Exhausted by the daily ethical and moral challenges set before me.  Don't get me wrong, I have the strength to stand up for what I believe in, but there are days when I wish the "real world" didn't have to be so morally and ethically flexible.  Often, it seems that we create these situations for ourselves.  Maybe that is what I have done....

All of my challenges and your challenges are inspiring to me.  This world is difficult as it is, do we really need to make it worse?

I am changing jobs again.  This will be my 3rd job since Finleigh died.  My boss, who is also the parent of a "sick child", thinks that I am just running because things are getting tough.  I cannot deny this possibility.  But I want more from my life than just work.  I feel as though there is more for me to do while I am still here and I want to be able to fulfill that need.  At the end of my work days now, I am exhausted from life.  I have nothing left to give to anything or anyone else.  And I feel as though my work still wants more.  So, I am changing.  I am hoping that I will feel somewhat refreshed.  Maybe with this new company I will be more inspired by the difference they want to make in this world and not the bottom line.

Maybe I am just lost.  Maybe it's not any of the concerns I have listed above.  Maybe it's me.  Right now, I just don't fit in.  Now my goal in life has never been to "fit in", but I usually get along with most people and not by faking it.  I have an interest in people's lives, in their stories, in who they are.  I feel that most people are good people, they just get into situations where that goodness fades into the shadows.  And this is where it becomes difficult for me.  People tell me about their lives, their challenges and I try to cut them some slack and be understanding about where they are coming from.  Then suddenly, they feel backed into a corner by someone and there entire being changes.  It's survival mode and I don't recognize the person anymore.  It hurts.

Am I doing this to myself?  Setting myself up for frustration and discouragement?  Everyone needs a hug sometimes and I like to give hugs if I can, but then I pay for it.  Not always, but when I do, it's not nice.

Maybe I am just being sensitive.  In "hospital world"  there didn't seem to be time for these kinds of games.  We were all so worried about our children that there was no time to be two-faced or fake.  We were all there with a common goal, trying to give our children the best that we could.  Would it be so hard to take a step back and just be nice?  Maybe look at those around you and not figure out you can use them to better your situation.  I swear it shouldn't be so hard. 

When my children were alive, those should have been the most stressful moments in my life.  My children were dying, right in front of me.  But they were pure.  They had no motives other than to breathe and live.

When did we all become so tainted?  Am I just jaded, or do you feel this way too?

I receive daily emails for inspiration and encouragement and today's email was about "Paying Attention to Your Anger".  It expressed that maybe the very things that make you angry are "invitations from the Holy Spirit to do something about it".  Now this is just more than garbage on the counter angry.  This is anger that pulls at your heart and you know that something isn't right.  Is that what is going on here?  Is that why I am so frustrated with humanity?  Not just humanity in general, but humanity at work.   I have struggle with this question for myself since Bridger died.  Can I be the person I want to be and still be successful at work?  I don't know.  Before Bridger, I thought I knew.  I thought the answer was "yes".  But now, I don't know.

I am hoping that where I am going now can be the "yes" to this question.  And maybe this is my invitation to do something to help.  Maybe we can make a difference and get paid for it.  We will see.  I know this has been a tangent from my usual posts, but this has been weighing on me for a while now and who better to reach out to than all of you.