Just checking in...

So far, the job change has been good for me.  I feel less anxious and when I do begin to "wind up", my boss helps me to slow down.  I have been able to take it down a notch and catch up on some things that I had been letting slide at home.  -- That's the update on work.

Otherwise, we are hanging in there.  Finleigh's 1st birthday is next week and I am not sure how that will go.  We will get her a cake, as we always have for Bridger, and keep things pretty low key.  It is crazy to look back over the years and reflect on all that has happened.  This time last year, I was so excited to meet Miss Fin, while at the same time terrified.  I worried that she may not come out alive.  I knew that if she did, it would be a count down for how long we would have her here. 

There were so many differences in my children's lives and deaths.  Not one thing was the same about their time here or the way they left.  Bridger's was so unexpected (as unexpected as a baby who needed a heart and lungs could be) and by the time Finleigh was leaving, she was struggling so badly we prayed for God to take her.  Think about that......I never in my life thought that I would actually beg God to take my child back home to him.  Finleigh I held as she took her last breath.  Bridger I was pushed out of the way so that they could try to same him.  I didn't hold him again until he was dead.

It still feels so fresh and yet so long ago.  We are quickly approaching the only holiday that both of my children were alive for, Easter.  Though four years apart, this is one of the few things that their lives had in common.  Easter will be our only family holiday. 

As the tears slide down my cheeks tonight I am flooded with memories of my sweet babies.  I'll never know what life would have been like watching them grow.  I look forward to being with them again when their hearts are not broken and my mind isn't crazy.  This is what keeps me hanging on.  It will get better than this.  But I still miss them.......

So, I guess in the meantime I will just take care of elderly and dying people.  This is definitely not a burden to me, but a joy.  At least with them I can help some.  My husband and my dogs can only take so much of my smothering before they get tired of it :)

Thank you  for the tears, I needed them tonight.

Bridger and Miss Fin, mommy loves you and misses you SOOOOOO MUCH!

Good night.