What goes up.....must come down......

Last weekend was a really good weekend.  Other than when my kids were alive, I have not been able to say "really good" in more than 6 years.  When I say "really good" it means that I was out in my garden working, singing to the radio, enjoying the sunshine and smiling without trying.  It felt good.

Throughout this "really good weekend"  I began having more flashbacks than I have had in a while.  Most of my flashbacks are of Bridger's time here on earth.  Flashbacks about the way his worn out body looked each time he crashed.  Flashbacks about the doctors telling us to take our smiling and playful son home to die.  Flashbacks about Texas, his changes, his death.  I have flashbacks about Finleigh too, but they are not nearly as many traumatic (probably because she only lived 18 days and we didn't even expect her to live that long).  I do still feel the sting of her death, I recount holding her to my chest those last hours, knowing what was coming.

I continued my high of this "really good weekend" into the beginning of the week.  My flashbacks increased.  Wednesday I started to come down.  I think we have talked before about my being cautious and trying to stay as even as I can because the higher that my mood will lift, the further my sadness and emptiness can fall.  Now, I am more functional these days than I have been these past 5 years, I think I am just getting more in shape to be able to carry some of this weight.  But sometimes, my mind or my heart gives me a little reminder that I am not as tough as I think I am.  And here we are.....The low......

This is not a low where I cannot get out of bed or where my eyes are swollen from tears.  This is a low that makes me feel like things are so fast yet in slow motion at the same time.  A low where I feel spacey and unfocused when before I have been frantic and irritable.  This is a new low, a more subdued low.  It is amazing that just when you think you are used to something, it changes.  Isn't this the story of life?

Well we will see how this weekend goes.......

I am going to go eat some fresh strawberries and ice cream with Danny...

Mommy loves you my sweet babies!!!!!!