Maybe this will help....

Well, I have been stuck in limbo for a bit now, but hiding it well. A swell of emotions seems to be constantly rushing through me, yet I am unable to identify a specific one. I have not been sleeping well and though I try to blame it on Danny's persistent cough, deep down I know that a cough is not the culprit here. Thankfully, those around me have put with me thus far. My best friend let me clean out her entire basement in order to help purge my system and release some of the restlessness. I know that this sounds more like a favor to her, but she was very gracious as I threw away items that she has held close to her for years. After eight hours of tossing, reorganizing and cleaning, I thought that I may have cleansed my system for a bit, but today it returns. I tried cleaning out my closet tonight, only to find that I cannot give away shirts that I wore while Bridger was alive. They don't fit me anymore, but I was wearing these items as I held my most precious gift. And of course, the snowball begins. I start to think about our families and how most of them never saw Bridger and his amazing spirit in person. I do not regret our actions of protection, in fact, I know that our germ free environment helped to give us the time we had. But it does sadden me to know that, for some of his aunts and uncles, they only saw him when he was sedated and hanging on to the edge of life in December 2008 and then again at his funeral. For years I have been in love with watching all of our nieces and nephews grow and become the amazing people they are today. And when we got pregnant, I could not contain the excitement I felt thinking that now our parents and brothers and sisters would be able to see our child emerge in the same way. Every time we entered the hospital and every time Bridger was wheeled down the hall for another heart surgery, I did fear for his life. But somehow, I always thought that he would be the one to beat the odds. Even going to Texas, I thought that he would amaze the medical world by thriving after a heart-lung transplant. I always dreamed that in a couple of years, Bridger and I in our Ute apparel and Ben and Angela in their BYU apparel would go back to Primary Children's and our two boys, who beat amazing odds would RUN through the PICU and I would introduce Bridger to all of the nurses and doctors and other staff who helped him get to where he was that day. I still have this dream, though I know Bridger and I will not be returning to the PICU in this way. Bridger, although you see me running so fast down here, PLEASE know that I am not running from you. If I am to be here without you, I will do my best to make a difference in your honor. I am just trying to make you proud and keep what is left of my sanity at the same time. Please know that all that I do, I am doing for you! I LOVE YOU!

P.S. Give grandma and nana a kiss, this Sunday is mother's day!

the heart mom lunch

On Saturday, I attended a luncheon given by Intermountain Healing Hearts for "Heart Moms". At this luncheon, the guest speaker was Paul Cardall's mom. For those of you who don't know him, he is the oldest survivor of CHD that I know of and he just received a new heart last September. In my mind, his mother is the ULTIMATE heart mom. She has been a heart mom for 37 years. Before the days of internet and cell phones, she had to face the fear of her child's life hanging by a thread and she did all of this not knowing about others who may be living the same fate. Time and time again, Paul beat the odds and is still alive to talk about it. It was great to hear one of the original heart moms tell her story. During her talk, she read this poem and I like to think that this is how it is for Bridger and I.

All is Well

Death is nothing at all,

I have only slipped into the next room.

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the easy way which you always used

Put no difference in your tone,

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,

Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,

Just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)

Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral

again, asking for prayers....

Sweet Mason (miracle Mason) who had the heart transplant two weeks ago is rejecting his heart. Now while there are different levels of rejection, it sounds as though his is quite concerning. His mom said that the doctors have begun an intensive five day treatment to help save his heart. Keep him in your prayers that this will give his body what it needs to keep this miracle heart. He was doing so well, but of course there is always a catch. Mason keep strong and know that all of us (here on earth and in heaven) are thinking of you.

4/13/10

I am overwhelmed with a surge of emotions today. Another amazing child that I know has decided that he is no longer meant for this world. And though he is not leaving today, it will be soon. One of the most difficult parts I found about being a mother was ensuring that while my child was unable to speak for himself, I listened very carefully to what he was telling me and expressed his wishes for him. This is no easy feat when the wishes of your child are to essentially insist on no further intervention of the path they are now ready to follow, the path that will take them from your arms, from this world. The mother of this beautiful child is now having to express these wishes and it is causing me physical pain to watch her as she gracefully embarks on this new journey. I have only walked in my shoes through a similar journey, so I will not pretend that I know how this mother feels. But watching another family move through similar circumstances re-opens the wound that I have been trying so hard to keep closed. I find myself falling apart at the seams not only for my loss of Bridger, but also the loss that this family will soon know. Now I don't mean to be misunderstood, I know that each and every moment I had with my child was a blessing that I am grateful to have received. But knowledge of my blessings cannot erase the pain. It cannot fill my empty arms. At night I hold a stuffed moose that Bridger got when we were in the hospital. I hold this specific animal over the others because he is close to the size Bridger was when I last held him. This may sound crazy, but there are times I need to pretend I can still hold him and though I know that I am only holding a stuffed animal it helps to ease the pain for a short time. Please keep this sweet family in your prayers as they continue on a very difficult journey. Please, please hold your sweet children close to you tonight with the knowledge that others wish they could be doing the same. Bridger, I love you and though I would never ask you to return to this world where you endured so much pain, I long for the day when we are together, as a family, again. Goodnight, I love you.

8 months ago

About this time 8 months ago, Danny and my parents were arriving to Texas Childrens Hospital to find me holding the lifeless body of my sweet boy. I remember it all so vividly, yet it feels as though it has been an eternity. Bridger- I love you soooo much!

Calling all HEART friends

Today while I was at work, I received a phone call from my sister. She told me that Mason (miracle Mason) was getting his heart today. Initially, they thought that he would need a heart-lung transplant, as Bridger did. But upon evaluation, Stanford decided that would be able to do only a heart, but just to his one good lung. So Mason and his mom have been in California waiting for a heart and today their prayers were answered. I had a daydream a couple of days ago that Mason was receiving his heart, but little did I know that it would come so quickly. While I am overjoyed with the news, my heart is quite heavy for the family who gave this generous gift of life. I can only imagine the strength that it took for them to give part of their child in such a way. To that donor family: I KNOW THE PAIN OF LOSING YOUR CHILD TOO SOON. I will never be able to express what I feel for a family who was so giving in such a time of sorrow. To Mason's family: I know, that while you still have struggles ahead, you will never forget the blessing of the gift you have received. Mason: stay strong, we are all praying for you!

PICU parent hour

Every Thursday, the Pediatric ICU at Primary Children's host a luncheon for the parents of patients in the PICU. Each week they have a different speaker to give information and assist with having a child in the ICU. Well, today, I was the speaker. I didn't give a speech so much as I talked with the other parents there. There were two families that should not be return customers, another mom who was waiting to find out if she would and a fourth that I knew from when Bridger and I were living in the PICU. I hadn't really written down waht I would discuss and since it was a smaller group, I decided it would be better to get a dialogue started. Each of the parents told me the story of how they ended up in the PICU and how their child was currently doing. One of the families was actually vacationing from Houston when their child became violently ill. I had talked with the dad about how Bridger had died at Texas Children's last summer. At the end, I don't know if I served the purpose I was signed up for, but we discussed the stressors of ICU life and how to cope. I hope that my being there and caring about their stories helped to provide some amount of relief to each of them. I know that me sharing my story about my beautiful son helps me get through the days. On a side note, Bridger's physical therapist gave a presentation today in which she used Bridger as an example. I like to think that it was because he was her STAR pupil. She will be sharing the information with me as I start speaking at different places to help spread CHD awareness. Bridger, I miss you so very much! It seems as though just yesterday I was holding you, but at the same time it feels as though it has been an eternity. I hope that you are behaving for grandma Jean, she will tell me if you are being a turkey! Make sure she gives you some of her yummy waffles if you like to eat now. I love you! I love you! I love you!