I just never know when something is going to hit me and just how hard it will hit. Tonight, Danny and I were watching some sci-fi movie and one of the alien characters died. As he died, he closed his eyes and the next thing I knew I became obsessed with trying to establish if I saw Bridger close his eyes when he died. I remember him looking at me with panic in his eyes when he couldn't breathe and we were trying to get more oxygen to him, but that is the last time I remember seeing those beautiful blues. I was quickly pushed out of the way so that the doctors and nurses could attempt to save him. There was no final gaze into each others eyes when his expression might have told me that everything would be okay. Only terror as he became surrounded by strangers trying to help.
These emotions don't just arise because it is Memorial weekend. Something similar to this flashback happens almost daily for me. Whether I have a patient that begins to struggle breathing or I see a child that is close to his age, it all takes me back and I scrutinize every moment we had together fearing that I might forget something or that I already have. It has been almost two years, but I still feel this hole in me as though I have just lost him.
Even in our new house, everything I do, I can't help but think "Bridger would have loved sitting on the back porch" or "it would have been nice to sit as a family in our family room". I know that I am only torturing myself with these thoughts, but he is everywhere with me and I want him to know that no matter what we do, he is included.
Baby, I miss you so much. I want to kiss you and tickle you and hold you in my arms while you sleep. Please know that being your mommy was the greatest season of my life! I love you!
