Moving.....

Well, we are looking to move out of the only house that we ever brought Bridger home to. While it is painful to think of saying goodbye to this place, it is more painful to live in it knowing that we built it for our family. We are not moving very far, but hopefully far enough that some of the pain will subside. I had to write a letter to the underwriters telling them why I wanted to move a block away from my current house. The letter was basically a run down of our time with Bridger here and the time since he died. Though all of the moments are with me always, I haven't had to stare them in the face for a while. I couldn't finish the letter without bursting into tears while I relived those 11 months of Bridger's life and the 14 months since he died. I am hoping that this move will help us to find a little more peace. I'll let you know.....

As things change............

If you all remember from a previous post I am working back in long term care again. I still work in the wound clinic at PCMC, but that is only 12 hours a week. Being in the hospital less is bittersweet. I don't get to meet other heart moms as I could before, I can't keep tabs on the cardiology and cardiothoracic teams as I could before. But, my overwhelming panic attacks are decreasing as are my flashbacks. It is not that I want to forget the moments I had with my baby boy, but sometimes the haunting of some of our more terrifying moments is more than I can bear. When I leave PCMC after clinic in the evenings, the halls are quite empty and I am taken back to the many 7 pm shift changes when I was kicked out of the PICU for shift change. I would count down the moments until 8 pm when I could return to Bridger's bedside. Now as I walk through the halls, I know that I am not simply waiting to get back to his room and I become overwhelmed and can't catch my breath.