Just in case you missed it........

WHAMMMM! A fresh wave of grief and sadness overcomes your soul and drags your heart back into the depths of your despair. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and could GIVE A CRAP LESS! My baby has been gone for 2YEARS, 6 MONTHS and 18 DAYS. As I have stated so many times before I miss Bridger so much that it hurts. I was physically ill this morning as my emotions continued to stir and rev up for the implosion of sadness that would hit me tonight. I was kayaking out at the Great Salt Lake when my body was overwhelmed with nausea and dizziness. At first I thought maybe motion sickness, second low blood sugar. But now I am back on dry land and have been for 6 hours, however, the nausea, dizziness and foggy vision are still present with more force than this morning.

As I watched the video of Bridger that was played at his funeral, part of me relives every beautiful moment and the other part can't even hold it together because I know he is NOT still on earth with me. I DON'T WANT HIM TO LIVE THROUGH ANYMORE SUFFERING FOR ME, I just want to touch his silky soft skin as I give him a bed bath before going to sleep. I want him to throw things on the floor and giggle everytime I pick them up and wash them just so he can do it again. I want to rock him in the swing on our new house's back porch. I want the job I go to work for each day to be for him, not in memory of him. When I meet new heart families I want to be able to tell them "my son is a survivor", not "my son is an angel" which is usually followed by silence and a piteous look. Don't get me wrong, I will always cherish my angel son, I just want him to be an angel on EARTH right now. I know that I am being selfish! I know that this anger will not always be mixed with my sadness, but right now my insides are boiling and I just want to scream! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Well, now I have exhausted myself with heaving and tears. I guess I will go back to my quiet house and quiet life and continue to search for the reasons I am here on earth.

Bridger-mommy loves you so much! As my birthday comes tomorrow, I will thank God for the most precious gift I have ever received in my entire being, YOU. I love you! I love YOU!

Another Angel

While I was checking up on some blogging friends, I stumbled across this amazing boy who earned his angel wings in January. Tripp is his name and here is his blog http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/ . Please read his story and send his mom prayers and love as she has just buried her only son too.