I don't know how, but this year is worse....

This year is the fifth Christmas without Bridger and the second without Finleigh.  How is it then, that I can feel so badly?  This is not new...we didn't just lose them.....they have been gone....for years, YEARS now.  But my heart is aching, more than aching it is pierced and I feel like everything is pouring out.  Christmas eve was bittersweet.  Christmas was almost unbearable.  I woke up and went to mass to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.  Instead, I spent most of the service trying not to cry uncontrollably.  My skin was crawling, I wanted to peel it off so that I didn't have to feel the discomfort all over my body.  I spoke with one of the other people in my parish, he lost an infant daughter 38 years ago and still, his eyes became tearful.  38 years.... he said after about 15 years it didn't hurt quite as badly. This pain is everywhere.... I calmed myself enough to drive home.  Danny and I went to Village Inn for breakfast and I couldn't even hold a thought.  I felt like I was being sucked into a vacuum and I had no desire to try and make my way out of it.  But it didn't suck me in, not all the way.  Maybe that would have felt better.  Panic was surging through my body, I wanted out....I needed out.  I wanted to run away from everyone and everything.  I didn't want to feel this way anymore.  I took Danny home, went to the cemetery and then went out driving for a while.  The quiet and slow movement of the snow helped, it calmed my mind.  From there, I was able to go through the rest of the day in a functional state.

Then today happened.  I woke up, again feeling overwhelmed with the ache, the weight pulling me down.  Again, I feel to weak to fight it.  I am trying, but my soul is weary.  I don't understand, last year I seemed to do okay.  Maybe this is just in my head...maybe I have blocked it out because it was indeed just as difficult as this year has been.  I don't know....do you?  The goal is to get through this day....the pain will subside....I just have to ride it out...this too shall pass.....right?

Merry Christmas.......and tender mercies

Since the year after Bridger died, my sister-in-law has invited us to spend Christmas Eve with them watching a movie and eating snacks.  They have 5 children, the youngest of whom is Bridger's age.  They have always been so good to take us in as their own.  They offer a comfortable environment, no expectations, no judgements.  This year is the fourth year we have joined them in their family tradition.  We were watching the movie.  I was laying on the floor in front of the television when their youngest came to lay next to me.  She snuggled right up and looked at me and said "you can't see from down here, come sit with me".  Now I love to snuggle my nieces and nephews, but I try not to smother them all of the time and that is why I stayed on the floor until she asked me to sit with her.  We moved to the couch and she snuggled up again.  She had her doll that she made sure to cover with her blanket.  She grabbed my hand to hold and said "oh, you are cold, do you need a blanket too?".  I told her no, that I was okay.  She continued to hold my hand.  As we watched the rest of the movie, she would whisper different thoughts to me.  After the movie was over, she said she had something to show me.  She ran up to her room and hurried back down to me with a letter from one of Santa's elves addressed to her.  As she read it excitedly to me, I began to cry.  This sweet little girl so full of love and life and hope was sharing a little of her joy with me.  As tears ran down my cheeks, the oldest daughter came and sat next to me and held my hand.  I put my head on her shoulder and continued to silently cry.  These are the moments that families cherish.  And we are so blessed to be allowed in to this family's memories.  Though part of my tears were from missing my sweet babies, the other part were from the love that I was shown tonight.  On this Christmas Eve, I am so grateful for all who have been part of my life.  For all who have loved me and all who have allowed me to love them.

Merry Christmas my sweet Bridger and Finleigh!  We love you!!!