This year is the fifth Christmas without Bridger and the second without Finleigh. How is it then, that I can feel so badly? This is not new...we didn't just lose them.....they have been gone....for years, YEARS now. But my heart is aching, more than aching it is pierced and I feel like everything is pouring out. Christmas eve was bittersweet. Christmas was almost unbearable. I woke up and went to mass to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Instead, I spent most of the service trying not to cry uncontrollably. My skin was crawling, I wanted to peel it off so that I didn't have to feel the discomfort all over my body. I spoke with one of the other people in my parish, he lost an infant daughter 38 years ago and still, his eyes became tearful. 38 years.... he said after about 15 years it didn't hurt quite as badly. This pain is everywhere.... I calmed myself enough to drive home. Danny and I went to Village Inn for breakfast and I couldn't even hold a thought. I felt like I was being sucked into a vacuum and I had no desire to try and make my way out of it. But it didn't suck me in, not all the way. Maybe that would have felt better. Panic was surging through my body, I wanted out....I needed out. I wanted to run away from everyone and everything. I didn't want to feel this way anymore. I took Danny home, went to the cemetery and then went out driving for a while. The quiet and slow movement of the snow helped, it calmed my mind. From there, I was able to go through the rest of the day in a functional state.
Then today happened. I woke up, again feeling overwhelmed with the ache, the weight pulling me down. Again, I feel to weak to fight it. I am trying, but my soul is weary. I don't understand, last year I seemed to do okay. Maybe this is just in my head...maybe I have blocked it out because it was indeed just as difficult as this year has been. I don't know....do you? The goal is to get through this day....the pain will subside....I just have to ride it out...this too shall pass.....right?
30 months-Pondering "The Savior of the World"
10 years ago
5 comments:
I can not feel your pain ~ but I CAN feel your heart~ holding you always in prayer and (((HUGS))) ~ LoVe from Oklahoma
Ah Staci, I know this post few years old, but the feelings of love, loss, and pain for your beautiful angels Bridger and Finleigh remains. I know you have a strong faith....And I know you know this poem. I just wanted to post it for you, so when you are having an exceptionally hard time maybe this will ease the pain knowing he is with Bridger and Finleigh and You.....
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to me, the other to the Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. "Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of suffering, when you could see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you
Stacy, I don't know if you remember me but my name is Angela Keddington. We worked together at Copper Ridge. I host a podcast, and would love, with your permission to use the story of your sweet angels in my Podcast for heart health month. Would you be ok with that? My cell number is 801-694-5923. I hope you are well. :)
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