to my angels.....

On this night, the eve of the birth of our Lord, Jesus,  my heart is quiet and grateful.  I have been thinking so much about Christmas lately,  but about His birth.  I have been reading and listening to different accounts of Mary's pregnancy with Him and each story touches my heart deeply.  She was so young when she became a mother, but so patient and wise.  I wonder, at that age, if she grasped the enormity of what was coming?  Did she have any inclination of what lay ahead?  The joy, but also, the deep pain..... I wonder.  When she first held him, did she know he would die before her?

Don't misundertsand me, I am not comparing myself to Mary, the mother of my Lord.  I am comparing myself to a mother who lost her son.  A mother who watched her child suffer.  To my "ANGEL MOMMIES" out there.... did you know, when you became pregnant, what qas coming?   Did you have the sense that your child was not meant to be here long?
I did, in some ways.  Both Danny and I knew that if we were able to have children,  we would have one with special needs.  Now, we had no idea what that meant.  We did not know that for our child to live, he would need multiple open heart surgeries.  Or that for him to come home, a mini ICU would have to come with us.  Is that what "special" meant?  Or did it mean that Bridger was special?  Special to us, our first child.  Our son.  He needed Danny and I to be his parents, to love him.  Those were his special needs.

Then came our pregnancy with Miss Fin.  Again, I felt that something was different.  I had a feeling this child would not be with is for long.   I knew what our doctors later confirmed.  Each time she moved, I wondered if that would be her last.  Again, she had special needs.  No surgeries,  no ICU equipment this time.  She was our daughter.  She needed parents who knew she was not meant to stay.  She needed us not to ask her to stay.  She was special.

I was so blessed to have known so much about my children before I even knew them.  And even so, I was not prepared.

  So back to the original question, did she know?  Was she ready?

We have no way of knowing. .. I only know how I have felt.


To all my angel families out there... tonight I know you are thinking about your sweet baneswho you cannot hold.  As your arms ache amd your hearts sink, I encourage you to think about this night, so long ago.  This child was born and died so that we could hold our babies again.


(Disclaimer-  I don't know a lot about Him and what I have written above is what I understand so far.  I don't need to be corrected,  just try to feel the love and peace that His birth brings)

Merry Christmas my sweet babies!  Mommy loves you.

what is the absence of feeling?

   I don't know any other way to explain how I feel other than I don't feel anything right now.  Maybe my mind is just quiet and I don't know what to do with that.  Maybe this is God's way of giving me a break for a minute.  I feel like I am floating under water.  I can hear distant echos of what is around me.  I know that Danny and the dogs are asleep right next to me, but it feels strange in here.  Empty.
My mind has been running faster than my body can keep up.   It is not that anything important is happening, it is only the stuff of life.  Work, grocery shopping, eating and sleeping.  Simple things, but I feel like I am constantly trying to catch up.
I used to be able to run circles around people at work.  After Bridger left, I was reduced to half speed.  Now that Finleigh is gone, I feel like I am running at half of that.  I know that I need to learn to slow down, but part of me equates that with being incapable.  I have always been good at work.  Not always good at the other stuff, but work has been my security blanket and as time passes, it becomes less so.
I go through these cycles.  I try to so many things because,  let's face it, I don't have kids to raise.  But then I become overwhelmed and defeated.  Then sad.  And then empty....  and that brings me back to right now.  The absence of feeling.  I don't know if that's good or bad, but either way, it just is.
I bought a Christmas tree this year.  (The year after Bridger left I gave away almost everything that we owned that had to do with family- including the tree)  this was a big step as I had no intentions of decorating for Christmas again.  It hurt though, more than I anticipated.  By the time I left the store I was shaking and my stomach was in knots.  I don't think I can put it up this year, but it's here, in the house.
Finleigh would have turned 9 months last week.  5 years ago, right now, Bridger was doing his best to hang in after a surgery to try and save his life.  With both of my sweet babes, i have so many days amd so many memories that are tied together.  Whether during my pregnancies with them or during their lives or throughout the time since they left, each day means something different.
Only 13 more days until the shortest day of the year, then the daylight will increase.  Here's hoping that it will help this year more than it did last year.
Please pray for all of the mommies and daddies with empty arms tonight, I have a feeling they need it....

Bridger and Finleigh,  mommy loves you!