to my angels.....

On this night, the eve of the birth of our Lord, Jesus,  my heart is quiet and grateful.  I have been thinking so much about Christmas lately,  but about His birth.  I have been reading and listening to different accounts of Mary's pregnancy with Him and each story touches my heart deeply.  She was so young when she became a mother, but so patient and wise.  I wonder, at that age, if she grasped the enormity of what was coming?  Did she have any inclination of what lay ahead?  The joy, but also, the deep pain..... I wonder.  When she first held him, did she know he would die before her?

Don't misundertsand me, I am not comparing myself to Mary, the mother of my Lord.  I am comparing myself to a mother who lost her son.  A mother who watched her child suffer.  To my "ANGEL MOMMIES" out there.... did you know, when you became pregnant, what qas coming?   Did you have the sense that your child was not meant to be here long?
I did, in some ways.  Both Danny and I knew that if we were able to have children,  we would have one with special needs.  Now, we had no idea what that meant.  We did not know that for our child to live, he would need multiple open heart surgeries.  Or that for him to come home, a mini ICU would have to come with us.  Is that what "special" meant?  Or did it mean that Bridger was special?  Special to us, our first child.  Our son.  He needed Danny and I to be his parents, to love him.  Those were his special needs.

Then came our pregnancy with Miss Fin.  Again, I felt that something was different.  I had a feeling this child would not be with is for long.   I knew what our doctors later confirmed.  Each time she moved, I wondered if that would be her last.  Again, she had special needs.  No surgeries,  no ICU equipment this time.  She was our daughter.  She needed parents who knew she was not meant to stay.  She needed us not to ask her to stay.  She was special.

I was so blessed to have known so much about my children before I even knew them.  And even so, I was not prepared.

  So back to the original question, did she know?  Was she ready?

We have no way of knowing. .. I only know how I have felt.


To all my angel families out there... tonight I know you are thinking about your sweet baneswho you cannot hold.  As your arms ache amd your hearts sink, I encourage you to think about this night, so long ago.  This child was born and died so that we could hold our babies again.


(Disclaimer-  I don't know a lot about Him and what I have written above is what I understand so far.  I don't need to be corrected,  just try to feel the love and peace that His birth brings)

Merry Christmas my sweet babies!  Mommy loves you.