Happy number 4!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Today my baby would be 4 years old!  He would be in preschool now, maybe finishing a summer of swimming lessons and sitting with us at the Ute football games.  It is difficult to explain what I am feeling, Bridger has been gone 3 years now.  While the pain still feels like it just happened, it feels like an eternity has passed since I last held him.  I work doing hospice nursing now and take care of others as they die and I am so envious as they leave this earth because I know they are heading to where I look forward to being.  They are going where my son is no longer restricted by  collapsed lungs and an imperfect heart.  Where he can play with all of the other kids his age without worry of his oxygen tubing or feeding tube getting in his way.  I am forever grateful that Bridger does not have to face these challenges here on earth, but my heart aches not seeing him every day.  Our story stopped 3 years ago on August 8, 2009.  I will never have a new potty story to tell or a first day of school memory of my sweet boy and that hurts.  Today, though I celebrate the birth of my child and all the love I have for him, I am not in good spirits.  I am angry that he is gone, I don't know why my precious son was the one that had to return so soon!  My heart is BROKEN!