What a day.

Well I worked at PCMC today and it was quite busy. The bulletin board in the CICU was nicely decorated and dedicated to Intermountain Healing Hearts (thats progress!). After a busy day of taking care of amazing kids I was leaving work to go home. The halls were empty, as usual, for the late hour and I am reminded of the stillness of the hospital back in December 2008 when Bridger had a cath and then heart surgery on a weekend because his body would not last much longer without intervention. I remember how I essentially "passed out" and slept on the hospital floor through both procedures because my mind could not tolerate the thoughts of what may come. It is funny how some days I can walk these halls, as I have a thousand times, and be okay. And yet other days, I am haunted by my previous life with our baby boy. With every heart breaking moment I also relive many wonderful moments. I can feel each and every one as if it were happening again, the only difference is that this time I can't hold my sweet Bridger and feel the world melt away. As I continue through the hall, I also remember the few clinic appointments we were able to attend when out of the hospital. I remember watching our caregivers dote on my beautiful boy. He thirived on interaction and always enjoyed talking and playing with those who loved him so much. As I leave the building and feel the air outside, I can't help but thinking that this would be a perfect evening for one or our many walks last May when we were home for 26 consecutive days. This was always a favorite part of the day, we would pack up our oxygen, feeding pump and IV pumps and head out to enjoy the weather. We would walk through different parts of the neighborhood everyday, Bridger loved to study new surroundings, always taking them in carefully. Then we would come home and he would be ready for a nap after a long morning of observation. I hope and pray that I never lose this connection and closeness I feel with my only child. It is these moments that help me to carry on. And though some are painful and heart-breaking, so many more fill me with joy and love that can never be surpassed. Mommy loves you!