sorry for my absence....

I am sorry that I have been out of touch for such a long time. I try to tell myself that I have just been too busy with my new job and getting ready to move to be able to keep an eye on the HEART world, but as I check on all of our Heart babies today I realize that I have trying to avoid the inevitable. Can it be that today, 17 months and 19 days after Bridger died, it hurts just as bad as the day he left. We tried so hard to "get through" Christmas in hopes that the passing of the holidays might offer some relief. But now the holidays are over and though I am not as angry as I was last month, I continue to feel lost. I know that we are still here for a reason, what I don't yet know is what that reason is. We try to move through each day learning to be better people in hopes to move nearer to our son, but there are times it seems an endless journey. I am sure today is just another "bad day", but I do miss my baby. He gave meaning to this life. Before when I kept an eye on the other Heart babies, it gave me hope that at least some are able to defy the odds and continue their journey on this earth. However, lately, I am just angry. I am angry that my son is gone and then I feel guilty because I am angry. I know how lucky we were to have Bridger here for the time that we did, and I don't mean to toss that aside, but I still miss him. I would never ask for him to endure anymore suffering that he already did, but I don't understand why he had to endure ANY suffering. Why couldn't he just be a baby? Why couldn't our toughest trials be teething and potty training. Why couldn't I be in tears at the end of the day because he poured syrup all over the carpet and then covered it with flour. Instead I am in tears because my arms are forgetting what it is like to hold him. I am forgetting the softness of his skin and the innocence of his laugh. In ten days we are moving out of the only house that Bridger ever knew as home (PCMC was just our "vacation home"). My heart is torn as we move closer to moving day. Seven years ago we built this house planning for our future and our family. We were blessed with the son we had waited years for and had 11 months and 4 days to enjoy him. With the loss of our son, the growth of our little family is over. I have felt for a long time that I am only meant to be Bridger's mom. And while I find peace in this decision, there still is a sense of sadness knowing that we will never see our children grow-up and have lives of their own. So next week we will move into the house for Danny and I to grow old in and though we look forward to the move, in a way I feel like leaving this house is leaving some of the past behind. I am sorry for this pouring out of emotion, but I have held tight for a while and I guess this is what happens. My sweet boy, though you don't have your own room yet in the new house I hope you still like it. Just think of all the fun we could have had in the big back yard and the marshmallows we could have roasted in the fire pit. This is your home too baby, mommy loves you.