Let's review..........

After years of trying to become pregnant, in January 2008, we found out we were pregnant with Bridger.  In May of 2008, we found out he had a Congenital Heart Defect.  After multiple ultrasounds and a few echos of his heart, our diagnoses for delivery were coarctation (narrowing of the aorta), Ebstein's anomale (right sided valve did not close all the way) and hypoplasia of the left side (the left side of his heart was smaller than the right).  The cardiologist took us in the "family conference room" and he gave us the news and said that he had done studies and often with the repair of the coarctation, the left side of the heart would grow and catch up in size with the right side and that his Ebstein's was mild enough it should not cause much of an issue.  Of Course, with any open heart surgery, there were high risks, but to us, it sounded hopeful.  The rest of the pregnancy went smoothly.

On September 4, 2008, we went for our weekly check up with plans of inducement the next day so that Bridger would not have the risk of being born at home.  At the check up, he was not doing very well and they had to take him by emergency c-section.  When he came out, he was not blue.  He was immediately passed through a window into the NICU where he was started on IV Prostaglandins to keep his blood flow continuing until surgery.  A week later he had surgery and at 21 days old, we brought our son home.

At 3 months, this blog was started when Bridger crashed and our world came crashing down.  This time, we found that he had Mitral stenosis.  Another heart surgery and we thought the repair would take.  At 6 months, he needed a Mitral valve replacement, another surgery and we thought the repair would take.  After 3 open heart surgeries, Bridger's lungs had been through a lot and we found that his Pulmonary Hypertension (high pressures in the lungs) was not temporary and after multiple medication trials to attempt to control the PH, a Heart AND Lung transplant was our only option.  We were flown to Texas Childrens with an "in air" ICU team and began the work up for transplant.  This is where Bridger died.

You can review this blog for more details on his life and after his death.......

Fast forward a  bit,

After a lot of work, Danny and I had come to a place where we began to consider having another child.  Thinking that, again, it would take years, I had my IUD removed in April 2012.  After 2 cycles, we became pregnant.  We stayed with our OB at the U of U because I wanted to stay close to PCMC in case anything happened with this child.  It was eery walking through those doors again, it felt like deja vu.

Now we are caught up,

Yesterday, we had our big ultrasound where they measure the head, the bones and they would check the heart.  We had decided not to find out the gender and be surprised at birth.  The baby was not super cooperative with showing it's heart.  We teased "already like your brother".  I began to ask questions, knowing that the tech could not say anything, but clearly she was ruffled.  She casually stepped out to see if the physician reading the US wanted any more images and our OB came back in and said it was not good and that she would call Bridger's cardiologist to see when we could have an echo on the heart.  He told us to come right over- NOT GOOD.

We took the terrible walk to PCMC and the fetal echo began.  The staff remembered us.  Before the echo was complete, our cardiologist came in and said "we have enough, let's go" and again we were taken to the "family conference room".  He hugged us and said that in his 15 years, he had only had one other couple who had 2 children with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (better known as "half a heart") and that while looking back, Bridger's was a less straight forward version, this child's was obvious HLHS.  He gave us our options; abortion before 24 weeks, surgeries to essentially "bandaid" the defects or deliver our baby and take him or her home to enjoy whatever time we might have.  Abortion is not an option for us.  So we will have to decide whether surgery or "compassionate care" as they call it is our birth plan.

When I lost Bridger, my heart was shattered, unable to be repaired.  I have worried about being able to love another child as much as him.  Only the last couple of weeks have I let myself imagine this child coming home, growing up, taking him or her to swim lessons, family gatherings, all of the things we were never able to do with Bridger....

And today, those still shattered pieces of my broken heart were ground into dust.........

Any optimism or hope that I had been able to muster up has disappeared.  We are not naive enough this time around to think that this will be okay.  My instinct tells me that we are spiraling into a well of doom and defeat.  I cannot believe we are here again...........

All I can do is cry and when I become exhausted and numb, tears again flow uncontrollably down my cheeks.  For the last 3 years and 2 1/2 months I have lived a half life as a broken woman.  If my other half is gone, what does that leave?  I guess the only option is to wait and see.....

Well we will see....