Happy Angel Day my sweet boy!

Today is Bridger's 4th Angel Day.  I cannot believe it has been 4 years.  As I brush my teeth tonight, I cannot help but remember 4 years ago this morning when I was brushing my teeth as I watched my sweet boy give his best attempt at taking his pulse oximeter off of his foot.  Moments later, my world spiraled out of control.  His breathing changed.  He began to desaturate.  His face turned purple.  I tried to get his CPAP on while our pulmonologist called the Cardiac ICU team for assistance.  I was pushed out of the room where I watched from a window as they tried to save my baby.

They did not have the correct size of tube to intubate him.  The nurse struggled to get fluid pushed into his line.  I went back in.  All of the sudden, I knew he was gone.  By now, I was on the phone with Danny.  The medical team wanted to start CPR.  I said "no".  I asked Danny, he said "yes".  He wanted to say goodbye to his son.  I knew he was gone.  I let them try, but I knew it would be of no use.  After a few minutes, I told them to stop.  I always knew that if his heart stopped, that was him telling me that it was time for him to go.

And so he was gone.......

The nurse had me leave the room while she cleaned him up and removed the oxygen and IV tubing.  I held him for hours as we waited for Danny to fly in from Utah.  Bridger and I were in the Texas Children's Hospital, applying for a heart and lung transplant.  Bridger died around 10:30 that morning.  Danny got to us around 5:00 that evening.  He had not seen his son in person for 9 days.  When he arrived, I was lying with Bridger in my bed.  The blood had settled to the back of his head and body.  He was cold and lifeless.

These moments are burned in my brain.  Often, I still have nightmares.  I imagine that Danny does as well.  These are not images that easily disappear.  The next few days were a blur.  Dave, a dear friend, who lives in Texas drove Danny, myself and my parents around as we made arrangements with the mortuary.  We had to get permits to fly his body home as well as an airline who would take him with us.  We did not want to leave Texas without him, so we waited as these arrangements were made.

We all came home.....

I titled this post "Happy Angel Day" because in so many ways, it is a blessing.  On this day, 4 years ago, Bridger was freed from his struggling body.  He no longer had to live with a broken heart.  His life was no longer contingent on multiple medications and oxygen.  He did not have to suffer anymore.  The reasons that make this a sad day are selfish.  I don't get to hold him in my arms.  I don't get to hear him laugh.  I don't get to pour every ounce of my life into caring for him.  Being a mommy and taking care of my babies was such an amazing gift that I will never be able to repay.  I have never known a greater purpose for my life that I have when my children were alive.

One day, I will have a Happy Angel Day too.  On that happiest of days, I will return to my sweet babies.  I will hold them in my arms, never wanting to let go.  I will feel the softness of their skin, smell their sweet scents and hear their mischevious giggles.

One day....

To my sweet Bridger James, I love you sooo much.  Happy Angel Day!