Is it that time again?

     My heart has felt heavy for a little over a week and I have been trying to figure out what the cause may be.  I feel like one of the reasons is that my grandmother is not doing well and will not be on earth for much longer.  After losing my grandfather in May, this is a hard pill to swallow.  Although I will miss her dearly, I am comforted knowing that she will be free from her failing body when she goes.

     The last two days the heaviness has increased along with heightened frustration and extreme exhaustion.  I sat in the bath tonight, and thought about the possibilities, when it struck..... next week is Bridger's 5 year angel day.  Just in case that thought didn't sink in, the next song to play on my phone is the song I sang at Bridger's funeral.  It makes me sick just thinking about it right now, my hands are shaky and I am having trouble concentrating.  I can't go back to old posts to check (it is too painful) and I know that I face this each year, but it seems like this anniversary it hitting me a few days sooner that the past four have.

    This is the year that the government will reassign his social security number.  This might seem like it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it is to me.  It is just something else to be taken away.  Let's add to the stack of watching his first steps, taking him to kindergarten or swim lessons or grandma's house.  It hurts my heart.....

     I just want to climb in my bed and hide.  I don't want to face the world right now.  It hurts, it aches, this emptiness in my heart.

    Five years......not the milestone I was hoping to celebrate so many years ago.  I don't even know what milestone we would have been celebrating if he had lived.  Do kids already know how to ride their bikes by 6 years old?  Would he be having sleepovers?  Would he still hug me goodbye when I dropped him off at school?  These are answers I will not have here on earth and at times it makes me mad or jealous and, often, just plain sad.

     Yes, I am sad. I miss my babies....I miss their sweet smiles.  I have their pictures all over our house, but nothing compares to the real thing.  I miss the warmth of their sweet heads on my cheek.  I miss noticing how different they were from each other, but in so many ways the same.  I miss staring at them with Danny and pointing out to each other what traits they picked up from one of us.

    I miss them.  I miss what I dreamed would be for our family, for life as a mommy and daddy.  I miss the hope for that future.....

     Bridger and Finleigh, mommy misses you and loves you

so much (daddy does too!).....blowing kisses to you both......