30 months-Pondering "The Savior of the World"
10 years ago
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
My broken heart
It is just days away from the anniversary of my son being gone from this world for five months. The more time that passes, the more difficult it seems. I don't know if it is just the numbness wearing off or the reality that this is not just a terrible dream. I am actually starting to have physical pain because I miss him so much. I ache to hear his frantic cry just because I left his sight to go to the bathroom. I want him to wake me up at 3 am because he is feeling good and wants to play. I wish that my all to familiar drive to Primary Childrens was for a cardiology checkup, not because working there is one of the few ways I am able to feel close to him. I am doing what I can to keep busy, but when it come down to it, I know that I wouldn't be doing any of these things if I still had him here with me. I hate all of the empty cupboard and fridge space that I have because it is no longer needed for medications and formula. On January 8 it will be 5 months that he has been gone. On January 11 it will be two years since we first found out that we would be blessed with a child of our own. And yet it feels like ages have passed. My arms ache to hold my baby, I want to kiss his sweet face and hear his voice calling for me. I know that I was blessed with 8 months more than anyone thought we would ever have, but in my selfish way, it wasn't enough. I don't know how to continue on without him. I am doing my best to honor his memory, but that doesn't ease the pain, it only seems to distract from it for a while. Bridger, I love you so much. The day can't come soon enough for us to be together again.
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13 comments:
May God Bless you during this most difficult time. My heart aches for you.
Staci.. (it looks like 2 of us might be night-owls) Are you working tomorrow (Wednesday)? If not, let's plan to meet for lunch. I would love it!
Thank you for being the floating angel around Primary's. You are so good to touch base with families and make sure everyone is ok.
My heart aches for you. I want you to be ok. As a mom, I can't imagine what you are going through and I'm so sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you are going through this tough time.
You can do this.. one step at a time.
Staci,
Everytime I see you, you seem to be doing so well. I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much, but I am glad you are letting it out. You need to do that from time to time.
There are so many people in your life that would drop everything to be able to help you in some way. All you have to do is ask and let us know what to do.
Bridger is such a huge part of our daily lives. At least one of my kids talks about him each day. Please know that your sweet babe will never be forgotten. We all love and miss him.
I wish I knew the words to say, or the things to do to help you feel better, less empty. I know it is little consolation for the empty ache you feel, but please know we are here and we love you endlessly.
Maura
Staci,
It's okay to feel different now because you are different now. Bridger changed you--that was part of what he was sent to do. You are an angel to so many other families. You are able to see and feel their need and relate to their worry and pain because of your own. I want to thank you for being Bridger's mom. It would be impossible for you to live a day without him because it's so obvious that he is a part of you. I'm sorry it has to hurt so much. I pray your heart with be strengthened and the love that exists for you from perfect strangers can soften the ache you feel for your angel.
Much, much love.
Mindi (McKay's mom)
Staci,
My heart breaks for you. I wish that I could take it all away and make it better. You are an amazing person and do so much good for others. I know that someday you will be together. Until then know that we are praying for you today and in days to come.
We continue to pray for you! You are amazing!!
Oh Staci, I could hear it in your voice last night. I wish I could be there with you. I wish I could make it all right again. I can't believe it has been almost 5 months. I was thinking about that yesterday too feeling that sometimes it feels like it has only been a second and I forget myself and want to call you and ask how his night was and what is the plan for the day, and then other times it feels like it has been much longer when I think about all that has happened in the last 5 months. I don't like the thought of things happening without him here, like life is moving on without him. But somehow I know it never could, becuase he is so much a part of everyone who ever loved him, so much a part of you and Danny, and I know he is here with you, experiencing all that you do and feel. I heard a song on the radio today and every word reminded me of some memory of you and Bridger. I honestly don't know where you muster the bravery to get out of bed each morning continuing to continue the way that you do. Some people who have suffered losing a child have become bitter and unable to contribute to the world anymore. But you have, amidst your suffering, risen above it somehow and you continue to reach out to others and share your gifts and compassion with them. And you do all of this with a smile on your face, hiding what you must be feeling inside. Please don't feel you ever have to hide it from me. I may not be able to take it away, but I am here and I care about you. Like all who count themselves blessed to know Bridger, we haven't forgotten him either and never want to. Love and prayers for you always.
I have been thinking about you especially over the holidays. Please know how much you are loved and prayed for. Thanks for talking to us at the hospital. We appreciate your strong spirit.
Becca-Ellie's mom
oh, Staci! My heart is breaking with you! I love you and you are truly an amazing person.
Staci,
I am sorry that you are aching. I used to sit in church after Hope passed and sway back and forth as if I was still holding her. . .then only to realize I wasn't. It's so hard and those anniversary dates are the worst. . .it seemed like my worst days always happened on the 11th of the month. . .the date she died.
Hang in there, it's hard but it will become more bearable.
For me I had to change my way of thinking, instead of it being one day farther from holding her in my arms and looking at her eyes full of so much wisdom. . .I changed it to each day I need to make it the best since it will be one day closer to being with her again.
Thinking of you and sending my love.
(HUGS)
Staci...I am sorry you are hurting so bad. Please remember how much you help all those other families going through what you have gone through. I know you helped us so much. You are a wonderful woman and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your help while we were up there. I am so lucky to know you and call you friend. If it wasnt for your beautiful Bridger we would have never met and would have been so lost that day. We love you and I know you will make it through. Please call if you need anything at all. Let me know if you would like to go out to lunch one day!
Oh Staci. I am truly sorry.
Allison
Staci,
You are such an amazing women an inspiration to me. I know for me it was really hard to go to the u for the first time after my dad passed away I can only imagine working at primary. You bless all the families that you come in contact with and are truly amazing. I really am amazed that every time I see you, you look so happy and are so pleasant to be around although you are in so much pain. Your were bridgers angel when he was her on earth now he is your watching over you patiently waiting for you guys to all be together again. I love you staci you truly are amazing keep going on strong.
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