the flashbacks continue....

For those of you who do not know, shortly after Bridger died, I went to work for Primary Children's hospital. I am shared between two units, the wound team (my specialty in long term care) and the surgical unit (where heart babies go after the ICU). I specifically wanted to the surgical unit so that I could be there for other heart moms and other hospital moms. I wanted them to know that they had someone caring for their child that knew what hospital life was like and how fragile these children are. From the beginning, it was a struggle for me. I didn't know if it was because I had never worked with children before or that I had never worked in a hospital before, I just thought that it would take time to get used to it. I never seemed to have this problem with wound team, but days leading up to my shift on surgical I would become overwhelmed with anxiety and sometimes move into a full blown panic attack. I tried to tell myself that it was just coincedence, but just recently, I have come to believe that being on the floor caring for kids is just too much of a reminder for me. Now it would be different if I were remembering the great moments, but my flashbacks of all the life-threatening moments are the ones that keep returning. So at the begining of the month I gave my notice to surgical unit that I could only work for them through the August schedule. This was extremely difficult for me because my coworkers are some of the greatest people I have ever worked with and the patients are wonderful too. But this was something I had to do and it seems I was finally listening to what my heart was saying. Throughout the month of August, my flashbacks have become more frequent and more vivid. I have begun living all of those terrifying moments over and over again. My last shift on the surgical unit is Monday and I am hoping that removing myself from such a familiar area will help to settle my soul. I am still grateful for the time I was able to work on surgical, it showed me the other side of the world while blending that experience with being a heart mom. I met some amazing families who have endured much more than I and are stronger for it, these families will always be an example to me. I will miss many things about the surgical unit, but I have to listen to my heart over my stubborn brain on this one.