Closer each day....

Well, if you thought that my last post was inspiring, hang on to that thought....

My anxiety has been increasing as each day passes and we get closer to the inevitable.  While I am excited to meet my sweet girl face to face, I dread having to let her go. 

Let's look at the negatives first (maybe following with the positives will make me less anxious).

Each day is one day closer to....
 
-The fear that she may not come out alive
-Holding my sweet baby as she takes her last breath
-Calling the mortuary to pick her up and take her away
-Telling our family and friends that she is gone
-Picking out her casket
-Making funeral arrangements
-Burying her
-Knowing that I will never hold her again in this world
-Returning to life and work because the world keeps turning

The positives of each day getting one day closer.........

-Hearing her cry
-Watching Danny hold her
-Holding her in my arms, never wanting to let go
-Staring at her sweet face, trying to memorize each feature
-Dressing her in her "going home" outfit
-Bringing her home (God willing)
-Lying with her in our arms, enjoying whatever family time we might have
-Smelling her sweet scent
-Soaking up every moment that we have together

If only, I could force myself to ignore the first part of this post.  I become trapped inside of myself as thoughts race in fear of what is coming.  I am becoming physically ill, so nauseous that I cannot catch my breath as I try to remove these thoughts from my world.  If she does not move for any length of time, I am terrified that she is already gone and I sit paralyzed praying that she will kick or roll or something, anything to let me know that she is still okay.

I hope to heaven that my anxiety does not overwhelm her and that the stress I feel does not stress her out as well.  At times, I think she tries to make me feel better by bouncing around in my belly as the tears flow down my cheeks.  I pray that she knows how much we love her.

With my sweet boy, though our time was borrowed, we had so much.  When he survived December if 2008, I knew that each moment after was a miracle and deep down I thought he would "make it".  When he didn't, my world was turned upside down and I still have trouble believing it really happened.  This time, we know the outcome, but will that change any of the aftermath?  Will my downward spiral move slower or less deep this time?  I feel like that journey has already begun.  I carry a weight on my shoulders that makes each step exhausting.

I have been able to stay reasonably in denial for quite some time, while being aware of Finleigh's condition, I have tried to ignore the finality of it.  But those days are over now.  The reality surrounds me as we choose a hospice agency for her, make our birth plan for the possibilities of her condition on arrival.  As I pick things up from the store (baby lotion, baby wash, bottles) hoping that I will get to use these items, but being aware that we may not use very much if any at all.  We have a few outfits for her, but as I was with Bridger, I am hesitant to wash them for fear that I will and she won't need them.

We have this mini crib in our room filled with things for her and it is difficult for me to look at because my fear overwhelms me.

I know how hard it has been with Bridger gone, and believe me, just because I am less vocal about it, the pain has not improved.  So with both of my children gone, will the pain double?  Will more of me just "turn off"?  I feel like a shell of who I used to be, how much more can be emptied out?  I am sure we will see soon enough.

I don't know if I have already told this story, but I am telling it again.  Shortly after we found out about Finleigh's diagnosis, I asked my grandfather and uncle for a blessing.  When talking with them about what I would like the blessing for, I told them that I wasn't asking for a blessing of healing, but for a blessing of peace.  Deep in my heart, I know she is not meant to stay here long, but I need the strength and peace to carry her and let her go.  My uncle went on to tell me a story about when sailors would go out to sea, that some would bless the sailor and some would bless the storm.  Meaning that they would bless the storm not to come or to pass without harming the sailor.  He told me that he would bless the sailors.  We don't want this storm to pass, we want to meet our daughter.  But we need the strength and peace to survive this storm. 

So if you are wondering what you can do, please just bless the sailors.  We are weary and heart broken, but we still want to have the storm, we still want our daughter whether here or there.