Paul Cardall

Last night, my heart mommy friend, Angela and I attended Paul Cardall's "Celebration of Life" concert. This was his first concert since he received a heart transplant 9.9.09. He had many guests performing with him and during his set there was a large screen that played inspirational clips. It was wonderful. Afterward, we were invited backstage. Angela knows Paul, but I have never met him. I guess some people have told him about Bridger and his journey here on earth. We only had a moment to talk, but it was amazing to see a 36 year old survivor of CHD. I know that when Bridger was here I needed to see people older than he was that were surpassing the longevity of their prognosis. Although Bridger journey was only 11 months and 4 days, I know that there are other parents out there who still need to see that it can be done. There child does have the possibility to defy the odds, to grow up and get married and have children of their own. Thank you Paul, for showing us that last night!

A little star-struck

For those who know me, you know that I am not easily impressed with "stars". And after what we have gone through the last two years, this stands even more. I don't understand why movie stars and professional athletes are paid so much, while the medical staff, who saves lives daily, makes so much less. My heroes and mentors are those who give so much of their time and heart to help those in need. That being said, I did have an encounter today that left me a little starry eyed. My sister-in-law, Nichole, had arranged for the Utes to donate some items for our auction. I was on my way home from work and I stopped to pick them up from the secretary. While I was waiting for her to return to her office, I was snooping a bit. I thought that maybe, if I stumbled upon Kyle Whittingham's office, I would ask for a moment of his time. There were only numbers on the office doors, so I didn't know which was his and was about to forget the whole idea. Well, as I was wandering, who should turn the corner to walk right toward me, Kyle Whittingham! I was debating on whether or not to say something. As he walked closer, I blurted out "can I walk and talk with you?" Kindly, he said yes. As we walked, I told him about Danny and I being season ticket holders and how this past season we had purchased Bridger's ticket. I told him about the coordinator who even moved our seats so that we would have room for all of Bridger's medical equipment. Then I told him about Bridger dying shortly before the season began and how we were never able to attend a Ute game as a family. I let him know that the Ute organization donated some items for our fundraiser and thanked him. He went on to ask about Bridger, how old he was and if he was our only child. I thought it was very kind of him to give me a few moments to tell my son's story. And though he is not a movie star, he is someone that my family watches every time he is on TV and we did watch him on TV with Bridger. As I left the athletics building, I called Danny, my mom and his mom to brag about whose office I had just been in. So, there is my moment. It makes me happy anytime anyone gives me the time to tell Bridger's story and the fact that this was our team's coach was exciting.

February 8, 2010

2 years ago today, Danny and I heard Bridger's heart beat for the first time. This was our confirmation that we were going to have a precious child of our own. 1 year ago today, our family had been home together. And though, only for a few days, these were days that we never thought possible after the struggles Bridger overcame in the hospital that winter. 6 months ago, today, I was holding Bridger's lifeless body in my arms. I know that his spirit and soul were no longer in there, but I was not ready to put him down for the last time here on earth. When Bridger and I moved to Texas, I had started to read The Purpose Driven Life, and the night before Bridger died, I had read the chapter explaining that this world is not the end. While reading, I was saddened, but at the same time comforted knowing that no matter what, I would be with my baby again. As I was reading, I did not know that this would be the last night I spent with my son. However, the next day, when Bridger died, this was the only thought I had that kept me from completely losing my mind. It is this same thought that keeps me going today. I know that Danny and I will be with our son again and that we will raise him where he will not have to rely on IV medicine and oxygen and feeding pumps just to be a baby. I miss him more and more the longer we are apart, but I don't ask why. I thank God every night that he won't suffer in this world anymore. Though Bridger was only here for 11 months and 4 days, I feel like he taught me more in that time than I have learned in 28 years. He forced me to live in the moment (for those of you who didn't know me before, I had life planned years ahead), he taught me not to judge others and their actions ( you never know the circumstances) and he taught me not to worry about the petty things in life ( he enjoyed playing with a washcloth just as much as a new toy). And though I still need occasional reminders, I try my best every day to live up to these lessons. For whatever time I have left on this earth, I will do my best to honor my son and try to help ease the suffering in those around me. Bridger, I LOVE YOU!

The Chosen Mothers

I saw this while blog stalking and it so reminded me of all heart moms, my wonderful sister in particular. I know it says cancer, but I think it is true of all children with life threatening illnesses.
~Jessica

THE CHOSEN MOTHERS

By Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.
Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation.
As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer."
The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly" smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But, does she have patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has it's own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you." No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps -"Selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them." She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side."

"And what about her patron Saint?" asks the angel. His pen poised in mid-air. God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

Feb 20th

Hello all. So things are really starting to come together for the fundraiser and thank you all for all of the help you have given. For those of you who want to help out before, during, and after the fundraiser could you please e-mail us (staci@intermountainhealinghearts.org) and let us know when you want to help, for how long, and if there is any specific job you would like to do. If you are wanting to help out during the event the shifts will be 1 hour long and be from 1-2, 2-3, 3-4. So let us know if there is a specific time you want to help or if anytime will work for you. And remember tell everyone you know about the fundraiser we want as many people as possible there, the whole idea is to raise money and awareness. The more people that know about CHD the better because as we all know it affects 1 in 100 babies born.

IHH Fundraiser

So it is getting closer and we are getting excited. Staci is going to pick up the fliers from the printer today so if you want some to hand out at school or work let her know and she can get some to you. Also if you have collected things for the auction if you could have them to Staci by January 30th at the latest that would be wonderful. We still need some of those large drink coolers to use the day of so if you have one we can borrow please bring it to Staci, we also need clipboards to borrow (if you bring Staci a clipboard please write your name on it so we can get it back to you). For those of you who are going to donate food if you could e-mail us (staci@intermountainhealinghearts.org) and let us know what you are bringing that would be great, also if you would like to donate drinks let us know. If anyone wants to help out with things the day of please e-mail us so we have an idea of how many people we have to help and so we can assign jobs, if there is anything in particular you would like to do please include that in your e-mail so we know. Thanks again and we can't wait to see you there.

January 10

Well, today is Danny's birthday and Friday was the anniversary of Bridger being gone for five months. I think that it has been a week since I cried and I can feel it just waiting to come out. On Friday at work, I had to check a wound on a little baby. He was grabbing my fingers and giving me the "no no no" head shake. He was just happy to have someone to play with for a minute and I was glad to do it, but it makes me sad that this interaction is not with my own baby. Friday was an interesting day, it seemed that some of "regulars" whose daily lives seem to hang in the balance were doing better than ever. I was so happy to see these kids bright eyed and smiling, it took me back to the good days Bridger would frequently have. I was so glad to see one particular kid on the floor playing with his mom, enjoying life. It is amazing to see these children who are living such a challenging life, be so happy just to be here. When they are feeling good, they are the happiest kids I have ever seen. For those of you who don't already know, I am working at Primary Children's Hospital now. So many ask why I went back there to work and the truth is that I needed to be somewhere that so many people knew my son, they help to keep his spirit alive, they saw his beautiful smile daily, they saw his "no no no" head shake, they heard him laugh and talk. Though this does not bring him back to me, I am hoping that I will be able to provide something to other patients and families that our nurses provided to us. We had an extended family, I knew that people were caring for my son as if he was their own. I want to give that back to others that share the same life that we lived. This is like nothing that I have previously done in my nursing career. There are many new things to learn and I am doing my best to absorb all that I can.