Just in case you missed it........

WHAMMMM! A fresh wave of grief and sadness overcomes your soul and drags your heart back into the depths of your despair. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and could GIVE A CRAP LESS! My baby has been gone for 2YEARS, 6 MONTHS and 18 DAYS. As I have stated so many times before I miss Bridger so much that it hurts. I was physically ill this morning as my emotions continued to stir and rev up for the implosion of sadness that would hit me tonight. I was kayaking out at the Great Salt Lake when my body was overwhelmed with nausea and dizziness. At first I thought maybe motion sickness, second low blood sugar. But now I am back on dry land and have been for 6 hours, however, the nausea, dizziness and foggy vision are still present with more force than this morning.

As I watched the video of Bridger that was played at his funeral, part of me relives every beautiful moment and the other part can't even hold it together because I know he is NOT still on earth with me. I DON'T WANT HIM TO LIVE THROUGH ANYMORE SUFFERING FOR ME, I just want to touch his silky soft skin as I give him a bed bath before going to sleep. I want him to throw things on the floor and giggle everytime I pick them up and wash them just so he can do it again. I want to rock him in the swing on our new house's back porch. I want the job I go to work for each day to be for him, not in memory of him. When I meet new heart families I want to be able to tell them "my son is a survivor", not "my son is an angel" which is usually followed by silence and a piteous look. Don't get me wrong, I will always cherish my angel son, I just want him to be an angel on EARTH right now. I know that I am being selfish! I know that this anger will not always be mixed with my sadness, but right now my insides are boiling and I just want to scream! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Well, now I have exhausted myself with heaving and tears. I guess I will go back to my quiet house and quiet life and continue to search for the reasons I am here on earth.

Bridger-mommy loves you so much! As my birthday comes tomorrow, I will thank God for the most precious gift I have ever received in my entire being, YOU. I love you! I love YOU!

Another Angel

While I was checking up on some blogging friends, I stumbled across this amazing boy who earned his angel wings in January. Tripp is his name and here is his blog http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/ . Please read his story and send his mom prayers and love as she has just buried her only son too.

It has been a while

Just about this time, four years ago, I was taking several pregnancy tests to confirm that I was actually pregnant with my baby boy! I always knew I would have a boy. Danny and I always knew that we would have a child with special needs. Funny how you can have an idea of what is coming, but still not know the magnitude of it. We were overwhelmed with joy as we told our family members that we were pregnant!

We had the nursery furniture built a couple of years before and I had hidden in the basement because it was too painful to see the furniture with no baby in it. Immediately, I wanted everything brought upstairs to the room I had been planning on for the nursery for four years. I quickly began getting the room ready for our newest addition.

Time went quickly. At 20 weeks, we found that there was a heart condition. The first doctor thought is was an AV Canal defect, which likely comes with Down Syndrome. We followed up with Primary Children's and switched to a high risk physician at the U of U. We knew by then that we were having a boy (told you so!). Bridger had his first echo, this time the cardiologist thought it was an Interrupted Aortic Arch. They began to prepare us for what was to come. I was lucky because I got to have weekly ultrasounds of my baby. It was amazing to watch him move and grow each week. He would give the techs a hard time during their measurements and I would laugh. Already, he was a character.

One of my appointments, the doctor was running late. While I was waiting, I was offered a 3-d ultrasound. It was amazing! I could see Danny's face in him and my lips. He was beautiful. I couldn't wait to see him, but knew that he was safest inside me. I understood what a privilege kangaroo moms have. I had the most precious thing I had ever known right inside me. He would play with me, stick his feet out at me and do somersaults. I would have kept him in there forever if it would mean his was safe.

Being pregnant has so far been one of the most cherished times in my life, second only to having Bridger alive and in my arms. I truly knew what heaven was for me.

Bridger, mommy loves you. Remember, Daddy's birthday is Tuesday. Give him a birthday kiss and hug. We miss you!

For all the "angel" parents

WHAT WE WISH OTHERS UNDERSTOOD ABOUT THE LOSS OF OUR CHILD 1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear his name. 2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and...... emotional outbursts are healing. 3. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork, or other remembranc es. 4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling. 5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet. 6. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. 7. I wish you knew that all of the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child. 8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent," but will forevermore "be a recovering bereaved parent." 9. I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses, and be accident prone-all of which may be related to my grief. 10. Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdraw, just know that weare thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful. 11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty. 12. I wish you wouldn't offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal. 13. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self," you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me-maybe you"ll like me still. I believe that instead of sitting around and waiting for our wishes to come true, we have an obligation to tell people some of the things we have learned about our grief. We can teach these lessons with great kindness, believing that people have good intentions and want to do what is right, but just don't know what to do with us......

quick update

Sorry to leave you hanging. All three babies from the previous post are home and doing well. Thank GOD!

Is there such a thing as a HEALTHY baby?

Two weeks ago, my friend at work had a niece who was born with Tetralogy of Fallot and had to have emergency open heart surgery in the middle of the night. You can follow her journey @ mendingmylahsheartstrings.blogspot.com. Then, our roommate, James, his brand new nephew was hospitalized with Meningitis. Now today, friends of ours delivered their baby and the delivery did not go well. This sweet little girl is now in the NICU fighting for her life! I am beginning to think that there is no such thing as a healthy baby and that we have all taken for granted the simple blessings of our children. Please say your prayers for these three babies. While the first two are finally home, the latter is only hours old and needs all the strength, hopes and prayers she can get. Please bless that her caregivers are precise in their actions and intuitive with the plan of care!

My SWEET Bridger, watch over this baby. Momma loves you!

Happy Number 3!

Yesterday was Bridger's third birthday. As we have the past two years, we bought a red velvet cake and ate it with him at the cemetery. It is strange to look around and see those who we used to know and see their lives moving on. They are now married, having children and growing older. Danny and I are growing older, but other than that, I feel as though time has stopped. We will not watch Bridger get older. We will not take pictures on his first day of school or on graduation. I feel frozen, yet life still continues......

Happy Birthday SWEET boy! Mommy loves you!