IHH Fundraiser

So it is getting closer and we are getting excited. Staci is going to pick up the fliers from the printer today so if you want some to hand out at school or work let her know and she can get some to you. Also if you have collected things for the auction if you could have them to Staci by January 30th at the latest that would be wonderful. We still need some of those large drink coolers to use the day of so if you have one we can borrow please bring it to Staci, we also need clipboards to borrow (if you bring Staci a clipboard please write your name on it so we can get it back to you). For those of you who are going to donate food if you could e-mail us (staci@intermountainhealinghearts.org) and let us know what you are bringing that would be great, also if you would like to donate drinks let us know. If anyone wants to help out with things the day of please e-mail us so we have an idea of how many people we have to help and so we can assign jobs, if there is anything in particular you would like to do please include that in your e-mail so we know. Thanks again and we can't wait to see you there.

January 10

Well, today is Danny's birthday and Friday was the anniversary of Bridger being gone for five months. I think that it has been a week since I cried and I can feel it just waiting to come out. On Friday at work, I had to check a wound on a little baby. He was grabbing my fingers and giving me the "no no no" head shake. He was just happy to have someone to play with for a minute and I was glad to do it, but it makes me sad that this interaction is not with my own baby. Friday was an interesting day, it seemed that some of "regulars" whose daily lives seem to hang in the balance were doing better than ever. I was so happy to see these kids bright eyed and smiling, it took me back to the good days Bridger would frequently have. I was so glad to see one particular kid on the floor playing with his mom, enjoying life. It is amazing to see these children who are living such a challenging life, be so happy just to be here. When they are feeling good, they are the happiest kids I have ever seen. For those of you who don't already know, I am working at Primary Children's Hospital now. So many ask why I went back there to work and the truth is that I needed to be somewhere that so many people knew my son, they help to keep his spirit alive, they saw his beautiful smile daily, they saw his "no no no" head shake, they heard him laugh and talk. Though this does not bring him back to me, I am hoping that I will be able to provide something to other patients and families that our nurses provided to us. We had an extended family, I knew that people were caring for my son as if he was their own. I want to give that back to others that share the same life that we lived. This is like nothing that I have previously done in my nursing career. There are many new things to learn and I am doing my best to absorb all that I can.

My broken heart

It is just days away from the anniversary of my son being gone from this world for five months. The more time that passes, the more difficult it seems. I don't know if it is just the numbness wearing off or the reality that this is not just a terrible dream. I am actually starting to have physical pain because I miss him so much. I ache to hear his frantic cry just because I left his sight to go to the bathroom. I want him to wake me up at 3 am because he is feeling good and wants to play. I wish that my all to familiar drive to Primary Childrens was for a cardiology checkup, not because working there is one of the few ways I am able to feel close to him. I am doing what I can to keep busy, but when it come down to it, I know that I wouldn't be doing any of these things if I still had him here with me. I hate all of the empty cupboard and fridge space that I have because it is no longer needed for medications and formula. On January 8 it will be 5 months that he has been gone. On January 11 it will be two years since we first found out that we would be blessed with a child of our own. And yet it feels like ages have passed. My arms ache to hold my baby, I want to kiss his sweet face and hear his voice calling for me. I know that I was blessed with 8 months more than anyone thought we would ever have, but in my selfish way, it wasn't enough. I don't know how to continue on without him. I am doing my best to honor his memory, but that doesn't ease the pain, it only seems to distract from it for a while. Bridger, I love you so much. The day can't come soon enough for us to be together again.

LET'S MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!

While blog-stalking tonight, I came across a post explaining a new bill to be presented to our legislation. The bill is known as the Congenital Heart Futures Act. The bill addresses the issue of adults with CHD's and the shocking statistics that only 10% receive the life-long care that they need to have a longer, healthier quality of life. The bill supports research and education on congential heart diseases to promote the chances of the medical industry discovering new and better ways to help those born with CHD's later on their lives.

The bill hasn't received enough attention to be recognized as well as we need it to. But we can help our Senators understand the importance of this bill and perhaps help improve the lives of all those little boys and girls born with CHD's that spent months in hospitals undergoing surgeries to help them continue forward. We need them to know that even when they are grown they will still be cared for and taken care of.

If you want to voice your opinion there is an email template (found on this page under "action is simple") that you can fill in the blanks with your name, your personal relationship to this issue and where you are from. Then you send it to your local senators and house representatives and they will start to see how life-changing this bill is.

Email Bob Bennett: here

Email Orrin Hatch: here

The full text of the bill can be read here.

It is time to make a STINK about this terrible disease!

Date Change

We wanted to let everyone know to mark your calendars with a different date. Some things happened so we had to change the date of the fundraiser. So now mark your calendars for Saturday February 20th 1-4pm. We are getting very excited we already have some great things for the silent auction and are hoping for more wonderful things. We also want to thank everyone who has pitched in to help it means so much to us. Also we have put the new flier below if you want to print it off and take it to work with you or send it to school with your children that would be wonderful, we want as many people as possible to show up, the more the merrier.

Also as a reminder the Festival of Trees is this week through Saturday and Bridger has a tree and a wreath so go check them out as soon as we get pictures I will post them so you those of you who couldn't make it can see. We want to thank Uncle Lee and the family for putting together the tree and Staci and Allison did the wreath.

Thanksgiving eve

It's the night before Thanksgiving. I am reminding myself of everything I am thankful for. It seems as time goes on, each day is a little more challenging. Above is a picture of Bridger and I on top of PCMC at sunset, just before we left for Texas and a picture of Danny and Bridger one of the last times they saw each other. I know this seems depressing, but these are the moments I am so thankful for. In the many months at the hospital, there were many families I met that didn't even have half of the memories we were able to share with our sweet boy. Knowing this doesn't make the pain any less intense, but it does remind me that somewhere there is always someone who is suffering more than me. My baby knew whether or not I was even in the room with him, he knew when it was 5:00pm and Daddy should be around to play. When we called Daddy on the phone, Bridger would turn the receiver around to see if Daddy was behind it. And when we were flying to Texas, our nurse had a laptop and Bridger kept grabbing for it because before we left we had set-up Skype to talk to Daddy on the webcam and he knew that when the computer was on we were going to see Daddy. I loved that Bridger didn't even like when I had to go to the bathroom because I was out of his sight. And when he played with Daddy, I couldn't interfere in there business, but I also was not allowed to be out of his line of sight. I loved when he woke up at 4:00 am with a huge smile wondering why Daddy and I weren't quite ready to play. I love that for a couple of months Danny and Bridger got to watch College Game Day together on Saturday mornings. I love that Bridger loved to go on walks anywhere, in the hospital or at home. I love that all he needed for entertainment was a cold, wet washcloth and hospital garbage and maybe his parents or grandparents running around his hospital crib making fools out of themselves. I love that even right before he died, he was talking to me while I brushed my teeth. Although my heart is broken beyond repair, I am grateful that my beautiful boy no longer needs oxygen and tube feeds and continuous IV medication to allow him to be a baby. Now, he can cause all of the mischeif he wants without it taking such a toll on his body. I know I have said this over and over, but I will continue to say it as long as I am alive- not only tommorrow, but everyday PLEASE count your blessings and know what some of us would give for a rebellious teenager, a baby crying in the night, a whiny toddler at family gatherings or even just a child to kiss good night. More than most, we know that life is hard, but if it wasn't how would we know when we got to heaven? For all of you reading this, I am thankful for you. Each and every one of you has touched my heart in ways that you will never know. In losing my son, I have gained a heightened awareness of the blessings I am surrounded by. Thank you.

Next Step

Things are really moving forward. We have our date and location. So mark your calendars for Saturday February 6th 2010 at the Utah Olympic Oval. Tell everyone you know, we want as many people as possible there.

Also if there is anything you would like to donate please e-mail us at staci@intermountainhealinghearts.org. We need tickets for the Prize Drawing, table cloths (preferably red), dark red ribbon, if you know someone who could donate an iPod for the Prize Drawing, and we need items for the auction too. Remember it is all tax deductible. Also we will need people to bake food for the day of, so if you want to bake something please let me know.