sorry for my absence....

I am sorry that I have been out of touch for such a long time. I try to tell myself that I have just been too busy with my new job and getting ready to move to be able to keep an eye on the HEART world, but as I check on all of our Heart babies today I realize that I have trying to avoid the inevitable. Can it be that today, 17 months and 19 days after Bridger died, it hurts just as bad as the day he left. We tried so hard to "get through" Christmas in hopes that the passing of the holidays might offer some relief. But now the holidays are over and though I am not as angry as I was last month, I continue to feel lost. I know that we are still here for a reason, what I don't yet know is what that reason is. We try to move through each day learning to be better people in hopes to move nearer to our son, but there are times it seems an endless journey. I am sure today is just another "bad day", but I do miss my baby. He gave meaning to this life. Before when I kept an eye on the other Heart babies, it gave me hope that at least some are able to defy the odds and continue their journey on this earth. However, lately, I am just angry. I am angry that my son is gone and then I feel guilty because I am angry. I know how lucky we were to have Bridger here for the time that we did, and I don't mean to toss that aside, but I still miss him. I would never ask for him to endure anymore suffering that he already did, but I don't understand why he had to endure ANY suffering. Why couldn't he just be a baby? Why couldn't our toughest trials be teething and potty training. Why couldn't I be in tears at the end of the day because he poured syrup all over the carpet and then covered it with flour. Instead I am in tears because my arms are forgetting what it is like to hold him. I am forgetting the softness of his skin and the innocence of his laugh. In ten days we are moving out of the only house that Bridger ever knew as home (PCMC was just our "vacation home"). My heart is torn as we move closer to moving day. Seven years ago we built this house planning for our future and our family. We were blessed with the son we had waited years for and had 11 months and 4 days to enjoy him. With the loss of our son, the growth of our little family is over. I have felt for a long time that I am only meant to be Bridger's mom. And while I find peace in this decision, there still is a sense of sadness knowing that we will never see our children grow-up and have lives of their own. So next week we will move into the house for Danny and I to grow old in and though we look forward to the move, in a way I feel like leaving this house is leaving some of the past behind. I am sorry for this pouring out of emotion, but I have held tight for a while and I guess this is what happens. My sweet boy, though you don't have your own room yet in the new house I hope you still like it. Just think of all the fun we could have had in the big back yard and the marshmallows we could have roasted in the fire pit. This is your home too baby, mommy loves you.

Bridger's tree 2010

Here is the top of the tree......

One of the Angels........

A flower the color of Bridger's beautiful eyes..........

Here is the entire tree. It raised $1500, all of which will go Primary Children's Medical Center. I met the people who bought it for their office and I told them Bridger's story. The company is SK-Hart Management, LLC. I don't know what they do, but they asked me to email Bridger's story to them so that they may share it with their employees. I wanted an "Angel Tree", so when Allison was looking for decorations, she was looking for things that felt like Heaven. We had feathers and draping vines along with a lot of silvers and mild golds. There were three large pairs of Angel wings that sparkled in the light. I think that it turned out beautiful. As we were getting closer to finishing, we decided that the tree needed more than silver and gold. That is when we decided to added the blue of Bridger's eyes and I think that made it just perfect. My baby boy, momma loves you. I hope that you liked your tree.

Two years ago.....

Two years ago tonight, Bridger went to sleep early. I decided to take the boys for a walk while Danny and Bridger stayed home. Just as I was ready to walk out the door, Bridger woke up. I stayed home with Bridger and Danny took the boys for a walk since they were all ready and excited to go. Bridger went back to sleep quickly and so I got ready for bed as well. Just when I thought that things were starting to settle into a bit of a routine, our world was turned upside down. 104 weeks ago, at 6:00 am, after a long night of Bridger waking frequently and me sleeping on his bedroom floor to be close to him, Bridger turned blue. My first instinct was that he was choking, so I flipped him over my arm and did back blows to help dislodge whatever he had choked on. He regained his color, so I that maybe that was what had happened. But then he did it again. I called my mom and she drove us to the hospital. I sat in back with Bridger to make sure that he was okay. When we arrived to Primary Children's Medical Center emergency room, I told them what had happened and they took him right back. As we got into the room, he did it again. Suddenly we were surrounded by nurses and doctors who were trying to start IVs and keep him oxygenated and asking questions about how we got to this point. Next thing I knew, Bridger had to be sedated, paralyzed and intubated because he could not manage breathing on his own anymore. This didn't make sense to me. Bridger had already survived one heart surgery, we had already lived through the most terrifying moments of our lives, how could this be happening? In the weeks leading up to this event, I had taken Bridger to the hospital, doctors and even a chiropracter because I felt that something was not right for him. Each time I was sent away being told that these were just simple "baby things" and that he would grow out of them. I began to believe this and believe that I was just a fanatical new mom. But now we were here and I was being told that MY baby, the one who I had prayed to have for such a long time, MY baby might not make it through the next hours, let alone the next days, weeks and months. Bridger went on to live for 8 months after this terrifying day and I wouldn't give any day back, but this does not erase the pain. I know that I am not meant to understand the ways of this world and I guess that is good because I DON'T UNDERSTAND! While I am at peace knowing that Bridger does not suffer in this world any longer and that I won't have to hold him down and tell him everything will be alright, when I know that it won't, I am angry. I have been fighting this one for a long time. I am grateful for all of the moments that I had with my beautiful boy, I know that he is truly a gift and will always be mine. But I am angry that our time together was so short, I am angry today as I watch others with their children and feel as though they do not appreciate the blessings in their lives. Thought these perfect strangers know nothing about me and are probably aware of their blessings, I am still angry. I am angry that other parents will have to face the pain that Danny and I face everyday. I wish that the entire world could know Bridger and live by his example. He was wise beyond his years, he only cried when his body was failing or he was being poked. He loved to smile and laugh. No matter what toys I would buy for him, he always loved his hospital garbage more. He gave me the strength to wake each day with a new found love of life. With Bridger gone, I still try to live this way in his honor, however, some days are much more challenging. Today is one of those days. If I could melt out of my skin, away from this earth and to heaven with my baby, I would. I will always look forward to the day when we are together again. Bridger, I love you my sweet boy!

FOT 2010

After another long night, we are almost finished with our tree for the Festival of Trees! We decided to try and get most of it decorated before decorating day because we didn't think that the twelve hours allowed would be enough time. On decorating day, we will take our tree to the Expo center and add the finishing touches, then I will take a picture and post it for all of you to see.

On another note, Friday I received a message that another little hero died Thursday night. This brave boy was not a heart baby, he suffered from SMA. Please pray for little Jonas' family and the moments that lie ahead.

Moving.....

Well, we are looking to move out of the only house that we ever brought Bridger home to. While it is painful to think of saying goodbye to this place, it is more painful to live in it knowing that we built it for our family. We are not moving very far, but hopefully far enough that some of the pain will subside. I had to write a letter to the underwriters telling them why I wanted to move a block away from my current house. The letter was basically a run down of our time with Bridger here and the time since he died. Though all of the moments are with me always, I haven't had to stare them in the face for a while. I couldn't finish the letter without bursting into tears while I relived those 11 months of Bridger's life and the 14 months since he died. I am hoping that this move will help us to find a little more peace. I'll let you know.....

As things change............

If you all remember from a previous post I am working back in long term care again. I still work in the wound clinic at PCMC, but that is only 12 hours a week. Being in the hospital less is bittersweet. I don't get to meet other heart moms as I could before, I can't keep tabs on the cardiology and cardiothoracic teams as I could before. But, my overwhelming panic attacks are decreasing as are my flashbacks. It is not that I want to forget the moments I had with my baby boy, but sometimes the haunting of some of our more terrifying moments is more than I can bear. When I leave PCMC after clinic in the evenings, the halls are quite empty and I am taken back to the many 7 pm shift changes when I was kicked out of the PICU for shift change. I would count down the moments until 8 pm when I could return to Bridger's bedside. Now as I walk through the halls, I know that I am not simply waiting to get back to his room and I become overwhelmed and can't catch my breath.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (late)

Well, we celebrated Bridger's second birthday over the holiday weekend. On Saturday, the day of his birthday, we went to dinner and ate red velvet cake at the cemetery. On Sunday, we went out to nana and papa's for his birthday dinner and had cupcakes, each with two candles so that we could all help Bridger blow out his candles. As usual, it was a very strange mix of emotions. On one side I was grateful to celebrate Bridger being born and every moment I shared with him, while on the other, it was difficult to be aware of all of the milestones we would have to wait to see him accomplish. But overall, it was absolutely a day of celebration. On September 4, 2008 at 1:13pm, Bridger entered this world and gave me the wonderous privelage of being his mother. Thank you sweet boy, mommy loves you!