A flower the color of Bridger's beautiful eyes..........
Here is the entire tree. It raised $1500, all of which will go Primary Children's Medical Center. I met the people who bought it for their office and I told them Bridger's story. The company is SK-Hart Management, LLC. I don't know what they do, but they asked me to email Bridger's story to them so that they may share it with their employees. I wanted an "Angel Tree", so when Allison was looking for decorations, she was looking for things that felt like Heaven. We had feathers and draping vines along with a lot of silvers and mild golds. There were three large pairs of Angel wings that sparkled in the light. I think that it turned out beautiful. As we were getting closer to finishing, we decided that the tree needed more than silver and gold. That is when we decided to added the blue of Bridger's eyes and I think that made it just perfect. My baby boy, momma loves you. I hope that you liked your tree.
Two years ago tonight, Bridger went to sleep early. I decided to take the boys for a walk while Danny and Bridger stayed home. Just as I was ready to walk out the door, Bridger woke up. I stayed home with Bridger and Danny took the boys for a walk since they were all ready and excited to go. Bridger went back to sleep quickly and so I got ready for bed as well. Just when I thought that things were starting to settle into a bit of a routine, our world was turned upside down. 104 weeks ago, at 6:00 am, after a long night of Bridger waking frequently and me sleeping on his bedroom floor to be close to him, Bridger turned blue. My first instinct was that he was choking, so I flipped him over my arm and did back blows to help dislodge whatever he had choked on. He regained his color, so I that maybe that was what had happened. But then he did it again. I called my mom and she drove us to the hospital. I sat in back with Bridger to make sure that he was okay. When we arrived to Primary Children's Medical Center emergency room, I told them what had happened and they took him right back. As we got into the room, he did it again. Suddenly we were surrounded by nurses and doctors who were trying to start IVs and keep him oxygenated and asking questions about how we got to this point. Next thing I knew, Bridger had to be sedated, paralyzed and intubated because he could not manage breathing on his own anymore. This didn't make sense to me. Bridger had already survived one heart surgery, we had already lived through the most terrifying moments of our lives, how could this be happening? In the weeks leading up to this event, I had taken Bridger to the hospital, doctors and even a chiropracter because I felt that something was not right for him. Each time I was sent away being told that these were just simple "baby things" and that he would grow out of them. I began to believe this and believe that I was just a fanatical new mom. But now we were here and I was being told that MY baby, the one who I had prayed to have for such a long time, MY baby might not make it through the next hours, let alone the next days, weeks and months. Bridger went on to live for 8 months after this terrifying day and I wouldn't give any day back, but this does not erase the pain. I know that I am not meant to understand the ways of this world and I guess that is good because I DON'T UNDERSTAND! While I am at peace knowing that Bridger does not suffer in this world any longer and that I won't have to hold him down and tell him everything will be alright, when I know that it won't, I am angry. I have been fighting this one for a long time. I am grateful for all of the moments that I had with my beautiful boy, I know that he is truly a gift and will always be mine. But I am angry that our time together was so short, I am angry today as I watch others with their children and feel as though they do not appreciate the blessings in their lives. Thought these perfect strangers know nothing about me and are probably aware of their blessings, I am still angry. I am angry that other parents will have to face the pain that Danny and I face everyday. I wish that the entire world could know Bridger and live by his example. He was wise beyond his years, he only cried when his body was failing or he was being poked. He loved to smile and laugh. No matter what toys I would buy for him, he always loved his hospital garbage more. He gave me the strength to wake each day with a new found love of life. With Bridger gone, I still try to live this way in his honor, however, some days are much more challenging. Today is one of those days. If I could melt out of my skin, away from this earth and to heaven with my baby, I would. I will always look forward to the day when we are together again. Bridger, I love you my sweet boy!
After another long night, we are almost finished with our tree for the Festival of Trees! We decided to try and get most of it decorated before decorating day because we didn't think that the twelve hours allowed would be enough time. On decorating day, we will take our tree to the Expo center and add the finishing touches, then I will take a picture and post it for all of you to see.
On another note, Friday I received a message that another little hero died Thursday night. This brave boy was not a heart baby, he suffered from SMA. Please pray for little Jonas' family and the moments that lie ahead.
Well, we are looking to move out of the only house that we ever brought Bridger home to. While it is painful to think of saying goodbye to this place, it is more painful to live in it knowing that we built it for our family. We are not moving very far, but hopefully far enough that some of the pain will subside. I had to write a letter to the underwriters telling them why I wanted to move a block away from my current house. The letter was basically a run down of our time with Bridger here and the time since he died. Though all of the moments are with me always, I haven't had to stare them in the face for a while. I couldn't finish the letter without bursting into tears while I relived those 11 months of Bridger's life and the 14 months since he died. I am hoping that this move will help us to find a little more peace. I'll let you know.....
If you all remember from a previous post I am working back in long term care again. I still work in the wound clinic at PCMC, but that is only 12 hours a week. Being in the hospital less is bittersweet. I don't get to meet other heart moms as I could before, I can't keep tabs on the cardiology and cardiothoracic teams as I could before. But, my overwhelming panic attacks are decreasing as are my flashbacks. It is not that I want to forget the moments I had with my baby boy, but sometimes the haunting of some of our more terrifying moments is more than I can bear. When I leave PCMC after clinic in the evenings, the halls are quite empty and I am taken back to the many 7 pm shift changes when I was kicked out of the PICU for shift change. I would count down the moments until 8 pm when I could return to Bridger's bedside. Now as I walk through the halls, I know that I am not simply waiting to get back to his room and I become overwhelmed and can't catch my breath.
Well, we celebrated Bridger's second birthday over the holiday weekend. On Saturday, the day of his birthday, we went to dinner and ate red velvet cake at the cemetery. On Sunday, we went out to nana and papa's for his birthday dinner and had cupcakes, each with two candles so that we could all help Bridger blow out his candles. As usual, it was a very strange mix of emotions. On one side I was grateful to celebrate Bridger being born and every moment I shared with him, while on the other, it was difficult to be aware of all of the milestones we would have to wait to see him accomplish. But overall, it was absolutely a day of celebration. On September 4, 2008 at 1:13pm, Bridger entered this world and gave me the wonderous privelage of being his mother. Thank you sweet boy, mommy loves you!
For those of you who do not know, shortly after Bridger died, I went to work for Primary Children's hospital. I am shared between two units, the wound team (my specialty in long term care) and the surgical unit (where heart babies go after the ICU). I specifically wanted to the surgical unit so that I could be there for other heart moms and other hospital moms. I wanted them to know that they had someone caring for their child that knew what hospital life was like and how fragile these children are. From the beginning, it was a struggle for me. I didn't know if it was because I had never worked with children before or that I had never worked in a hospital before, I just thought that it would take time to get used to it. I never seemed to have this problem with wound team, but days leading up to my shift on surgical I would become overwhelmed with anxiety and sometimes move into a full blown panic attack. I tried to tell myself that it was just coincedence, but just recently, I have come to believe that being on the floor caring for kids is just too much of a reminder for me. Now it would be different if I were remembering the great moments, but my flashbacks of all the life-threatening moments are the ones that keep returning. So at the begining of the month I gave my notice to surgical unit that I could only work for them through the August schedule. This was extremely difficult for me because my coworkers are some of the greatest people I have ever worked with and the patients are wonderful too. But this was something I had to do and it seems I was finally listening to what my heart was saying. Throughout the month of August, my flashbacks have become more frequent and more vivid. I have begun living all of those terrifying moments over and over again. My last shift on the surgical unit is Monday and I am hoping that removing myself from such a familiar area will help to settle my soul. I am still grateful for the time I was able to work on surgical, it showed me the other side of the world while blending that experience with being a heart mom. I met some amazing families who have endured much more than I and are stronger for it, these families will always be an example to me. I will miss many things about the surgical unit, but I have to listen to my heart over my stubborn brain on this one.
Here is the top of the tree......
