WEARY.......

the definition of weary;
             exhausted in strength, endurance, vigor , or freshness

I know that we have discussed this topic many times before.  And yet, it still arises, more often than I am prepared for.  I have been feeling this way for some time now, but by pure adrenaline, have managed to keep moving ahead.  I feel as though my world is different from the real world.  In my world, there are so many who have faced tragedy.  In my world, there are people who know the blessings that they are surrounded with because of the tragedies that they have endured.  In my world, even though it can be so sad, it is genuine.  Those who live in my version of this world are inspiring to me.  They give me this adrenaline to keep going.

In the "real world", it is remarkable to me that so many can be so mean and deceiving and self-serving.  It hurts my heart that in situations where there are opportunities to help someone and make a difference, our priorities easily become skewed.  I feel exhausted.  Exhausted by the daily ethical and moral challenges set before me.  Don't get me wrong, I have the strength to stand up for what I believe in, but there are days when I wish the "real world" didn't have to be so morally and ethically flexible.  Often, it seems that we create these situations for ourselves.  Maybe that is what I have done....

All of my challenges and your challenges are inspiring to me.  This world is difficult as it is, do we really need to make it worse?

I am changing jobs again.  This will be my 3rd job since Finleigh died.  My boss, who is also the parent of a "sick child", thinks that I am just running because things are getting tough.  I cannot deny this possibility.  But I want more from my life than just work.  I feel as though there is more for me to do while I am still here and I want to be able to fulfill that need.  At the end of my work days now, I am exhausted from life.  I have nothing left to give to anything or anyone else.  And I feel as though my work still wants more.  So, I am changing.  I am hoping that I will feel somewhat refreshed.  Maybe with this new company I will be more inspired by the difference they want to make in this world and not the bottom line.

Maybe I am just lost.  Maybe it's not any of the concerns I have listed above.  Maybe it's me.  Right now, I just don't fit in.  Now my goal in life has never been to "fit in", but I usually get along with most people and not by faking it.  I have an interest in people's lives, in their stories, in who they are.  I feel that most people are good people, they just get into situations where that goodness fades into the shadows.  And this is where it becomes difficult for me.  People tell me about their lives, their challenges and I try to cut them some slack and be understanding about where they are coming from.  Then suddenly, they feel backed into a corner by someone and there entire being changes.  It's survival mode and I don't recognize the person anymore.  It hurts.

Am I doing this to myself?  Setting myself up for frustration and discouragement?  Everyone needs a hug sometimes and I like to give hugs if I can, but then I pay for it.  Not always, but when I do, it's not nice.

Maybe I am just being sensitive.  In "hospital world"  there didn't seem to be time for these kinds of games.  We were all so worried about our children that there was no time to be two-faced or fake.  We were all there with a common goal, trying to give our children the best that we could.  Would it be so hard to take a step back and just be nice?  Maybe look at those around you and not figure out you can use them to better your situation.  I swear it shouldn't be so hard. 

When my children were alive, those should have been the most stressful moments in my life.  My children were dying, right in front of me.  But they were pure.  They had no motives other than to breathe and live.

When did we all become so tainted?  Am I just jaded, or do you feel this way too?

I receive daily emails for inspiration and encouragement and today's email was about "Paying Attention to Your Anger".  It expressed that maybe the very things that make you angry are "invitations from the Holy Spirit to do something about it".  Now this is just more than garbage on the counter angry.  This is anger that pulls at your heart and you know that something isn't right.  Is that what is going on here?  Is that why I am so frustrated with humanity?  Not just humanity in general, but humanity at work.   I have struggle with this question for myself since Bridger died.  Can I be the person I want to be and still be successful at work?  I don't know.  Before Bridger, I thought I knew.  I thought the answer was "yes".  But now, I don't know.

I am hoping that where I am going now can be the "yes" to this question.  And maybe this is my invitation to do something to help.  Maybe we can make a difference and get paid for it.  We will see.  I know this has been a tangent from my usual posts, but this has been weighing on me for a while now and who better to reach out to than all of you.

to my angels.....

On this night, the eve of the birth of our Lord, Jesus,  my heart is quiet and grateful.  I have been thinking so much about Christmas lately,  but about His birth.  I have been reading and listening to different accounts of Mary's pregnancy with Him and each story touches my heart deeply.  She was so young when she became a mother, but so patient and wise.  I wonder, at that age, if she grasped the enormity of what was coming?  Did she have any inclination of what lay ahead?  The joy, but also, the deep pain..... I wonder.  When she first held him, did she know he would die before her?

Don't misundertsand me, I am not comparing myself to Mary, the mother of my Lord.  I am comparing myself to a mother who lost her son.  A mother who watched her child suffer.  To my "ANGEL MOMMIES" out there.... did you know, when you became pregnant, what qas coming?   Did you have the sense that your child was not meant to be here long?
I did, in some ways.  Both Danny and I knew that if we were able to have children,  we would have one with special needs.  Now, we had no idea what that meant.  We did not know that for our child to live, he would need multiple open heart surgeries.  Or that for him to come home, a mini ICU would have to come with us.  Is that what "special" meant?  Or did it mean that Bridger was special?  Special to us, our first child.  Our son.  He needed Danny and I to be his parents, to love him.  Those were his special needs.

Then came our pregnancy with Miss Fin.  Again, I felt that something was different.  I had a feeling this child would not be with is for long.   I knew what our doctors later confirmed.  Each time she moved, I wondered if that would be her last.  Again, she had special needs.  No surgeries,  no ICU equipment this time.  She was our daughter.  She needed parents who knew she was not meant to stay.  She needed us not to ask her to stay.  She was special.

I was so blessed to have known so much about my children before I even knew them.  And even so, I was not prepared.

  So back to the original question, did she know?  Was she ready?

We have no way of knowing. .. I only know how I have felt.


To all my angel families out there... tonight I know you are thinking about your sweet baneswho you cannot hold.  As your arms ache amd your hearts sink, I encourage you to think about this night, so long ago.  This child was born and died so that we could hold our babies again.


(Disclaimer-  I don't know a lot about Him and what I have written above is what I understand so far.  I don't need to be corrected,  just try to feel the love and peace that His birth brings)

Merry Christmas my sweet babies!  Mommy loves you.

what is the absence of feeling?

   I don't know any other way to explain how I feel other than I don't feel anything right now.  Maybe my mind is just quiet and I don't know what to do with that.  Maybe this is God's way of giving me a break for a minute.  I feel like I am floating under water.  I can hear distant echos of what is around me.  I know that Danny and the dogs are asleep right next to me, but it feels strange in here.  Empty.
My mind has been running faster than my body can keep up.   It is not that anything important is happening, it is only the stuff of life.  Work, grocery shopping, eating and sleeping.  Simple things, but I feel like I am constantly trying to catch up.
I used to be able to run circles around people at work.  After Bridger left, I was reduced to half speed.  Now that Finleigh is gone, I feel like I am running at half of that.  I know that I need to learn to slow down, but part of me equates that with being incapable.  I have always been good at work.  Not always good at the other stuff, but work has been my security blanket and as time passes, it becomes less so.
I go through these cycles.  I try to so many things because,  let's face it, I don't have kids to raise.  But then I become overwhelmed and defeated.  Then sad.  And then empty....  and that brings me back to right now.  The absence of feeling.  I don't know if that's good or bad, but either way, it just is.
I bought a Christmas tree this year.  (The year after Bridger left I gave away almost everything that we owned that had to do with family- including the tree)  this was a big step as I had no intentions of decorating for Christmas again.  It hurt though, more than I anticipated.  By the time I left the store I was shaking and my stomach was in knots.  I don't think I can put it up this year, but it's here, in the house.
Finleigh would have turned 9 months last week.  5 years ago, right now, Bridger was doing his best to hang in after a surgery to try and save his life.  With both of my sweet babes, i have so many days amd so many memories that are tied together.  Whether during my pregnancies with them or during their lives or throughout the time since they left, each day means something different.
Only 13 more days until the shortest day of the year, then the daylight will increase.  Here's hoping that it will help this year more than it did last year.
Please pray for all of the mommies and daddies with empty arms tonight, I have a feeling they need it....

Bridger and Finleigh,  mommy loves you!

again.....

I was hysterical as I tried to type this post.  I could not see through my tears and I was having difficulty catching my breath.  Thanks to my computer not working, I was forced to catch my breath and settle down a bit.

Ava is gone.  She was in her mother's arms as she took her last breath early this morning.  Though her earthly body endured so much and her prognosis was poor, I still hoped that she would be the odds.  She already had so many times before.  You can read about her sweet little life and tender death at avalonranae.blogspot.com

I began following this sweet girl's journey a few weeks ago whem she was placed on ECMO
In order to try and save her life.  Many children do not make it off of ECMO, but she did.  And she continued to fight for days afterward.

Her journey brought back so many memories of Bridger's life and death.  Both of our children thought that Primary Children's was their home.  So many times Ava's parents and Danny and I were told to take our children home to die.  In the end, they both coded.  In the end, we both said to stop resuscitation.  And them comes the journey back to your home state to start "real life" again.

Amber, if you ever read this, I am not trying to take away from you journey with Ava by noting the similarities of our journey with Bridger.  I just feel so strongly tied to you and your sweet baby girl.

Now Ava's parents have joined a club whose existing members cry whenever someone new joins.   Though we don't want our group to grow, we stand with open arms and breaking hearts to those who enter.

I was so furious when I first red Amber's post.  I did not want Amber to have to hold her child's cold and lifeless body!  I don't want her to know what it is like to plan her daughter's funeral!  I hate that yet another mommy will know the pain that still haunts my heart and soul.  And no my friends,  the pain does not improve!!!

Please pray for Ava's parents and her family.  They will need all of the love amd support they can get.

an overwhelmed, but empty heart...

In so many ways I am at a loss for words tonight, but in the same breath I am overwhelmed with the happenings around me.  As I check in on those I know from this "angel mommy" life I lead, I find that one friend just buried their second child and find a new friend who has lost 3 sweet babes.  All the while, there are many fighting, crying and praying for their child to have at least one more breath...one more word....one more smile.

On this side of life, what wouldn't we (angel parents) give to feel their soft skin under our fingertips, to see their eyes, to hold them close....

Every time I hear of more parents having to give their children back to God, I feel the pain all over again.  I know what is coming for them and it hurts.  I pray that they may find peace and comfort, even though they may never understand why their children had to be the ones to go.

Some parents are so good at expressing themselves and it seems as if they are writing what my heart is screaming out.  I have not written as much since losing Finleigh, who knows why?  But I read and I hear my feelings being expressed all around me.  On blogs, in prayers, in music.  My story is being told.  But is it my story that needs telling?  No.  I am still here.  People know me, they know where I have been.  They do not know my children and, in this life, they never will.  In fact I feel like I only know a small part of them as well.  I know that I know them better than anyone, but there is still so much more to know......

How would they react to their first birthday cake?  Or swimming for the first time?  What would they think of snow? Would our firey little Finleigh eat peanut butter cups before bed like her daddy?  Or would my beautiful Bridger continue to be mellow and thoughtful as he grew up?  I like to imagine how life would have been.  What we might have done had things been different.  It doesn't usually go very far because, how can it?  It won't happen here and I don't know how it will be there.

I imagine that I will not struggle with depression and anxiety.  That just the thought of going in public will not exhaust me and send my mind spinning.  I dream about taking them to the park or swimming.  About Danny teaching them both how to throw a ball.  I think that Bridger would probably rather play with the dogs while Finleigh would up for anything new, she would probably be daddy's little girl.

We bought a king sized bed last year in hopes that if we had more children, we could all snuggle in our bed to watch movies or just hang out.  How big our bed feels at times....empty. 

The winter is coming.  The days are getting shorter and I wonder how bad it will get.  I know we will make it through, but what does that mean?

I am still trying to find my purpose on this earth since, at this point, it is not raising children of my own. I am thinking of volunteering to be a baby holder at the hospital.  This is for babies whose families are from out of town and can't be there as much to hold and love them.  This way, I could help.  This way, I could give some of the love that still floats around inside of me.  We will see.

Let's not bring up the "you can adopt" idea please.  We know that it is always a possibility and maybe one day it will be, but for now, what comes to mind for me is that adopted children can still die.  At this point, my heart cannot bury any more.

Again, I am overwhelmed, but empty at the same time.  What a strange feeling, almost numbing.  Well, this life goes on.  It has been 4 years and 3 months since I last held my son alive and 7 months and 6 days since I last held my daughter.  There is nothing like holding my own children.  Even if I had only held them once, it is a feeling I wound never give back.  It is like submerging your soul into a warm bath, it melts away all that is around you.  I know that I have said it many times before, but with my babies, I had purpose.  I knew what that purpose was.  With them gone, I am not so sure.  I am looking, always looking, but not sure.

Lord, I pray for the wisdom to know what path you would have me follow and for the strength to take those steps.  Please give my sweet babies a kiss from their mommy.

I love you my sweet peas!

Calling all prayers, thoughts and well wishes.....

I stumbled upon this blog last night and have been unable to get this sweet girl and her family out of my mind.  Please send your prayers and positive vibes out to Ava and her family....
www.avalonranae.blogspot.com

Happy #5

5 years ago today, you came out of my belly and eventually into my arms.  5 years ago, right now, I was in recovery and daddy was in the NICU holding you.  5 years ago, you opened our hearts to a love like no other and we have not been the same since that moment.  5 years ago, as Life Flight took you to PCMC, they stopped by my room so that I could see you for a moment.  And even in your incubator, you pressed you left foot to the glass.  The same foot that poked me in the belly and would push back at my hand.  The same left foot that you would stick out of your stroller on walks.  5 years ago today, you became my hero.  Anything difficult that I have had to do in my life will never compare to the things that you endured in this world so that we could have and hold our baby boy.  5 years ago today, even though I was terrified of what was to come, I never thought that I would be celebrating your birthdays without you here to blow out the candles.  5 years ago today, a miracle was performed and I am so grateful that you and God decided that daddy and I could be part of it!  Bridger, you showed me how to love unconditionally and I thank you.  I thank you for picking me and daddy!  I that you for all of the lives that you have touched.  I thank you for loving me and I pray that you know how much I LOVE YOU!

Now go be a good big brother and share your cake with Fin.

Happy Birthday my beautiful boy!  I love YOU!